mizChartreuse!

I am a woman who does not like flowers.

I mean, I can appreciate them. They’re pretty, smell nice, and can add a splash of color and character to a room—but don’t buy them for me.

In high school, my witty math teacher told us that he’d never buy flowers for his longtime girlfriend. Cue all the girls: “Aw! Mr. Campbell! Why?” 

His response was always, “Because they DIE! They are DEAD! Why would I give someone I love something DEAD? I may as well give her dead puppies! They’re cute, too, until they start to decompose! Like flowers!” 

We were all appalled.

The thing is—I agree with him, now that I’m older. Not necessarily because of the fact that flowers are dead and dying, but because I’d much rather have something of lasting value. I guess the two could be construed as the same reason.

When I was a cashier at Jewel in high school, flowers were relatively inexpensive until February rolled around, then BAM! The price jumped to $21.78 for a dozen, basic, dead roses. Any other time of year, they’d be approximately $9.99, but of course the guys can’t do anything like buy flowers weeks in advance, because guess what? THEY DIE!

Back in my teen years I loved getting flowers from my high school sweethearts. But since I never owned any nice vases, the bouquets just ended up drying out in my room—eventually crumbling into a thousand tiny pieces on my dresser and carpet. This created more cleanup work than necessary, and Lord knows I was not the cleaning kind. I thought I LOVED getting flowers, but then again I also LOVED my immature boyfriend and thought we were going to eventually get married. I was 16, mind you.

Today, I personally would rather have my significant other use those 20 bones toward something more worthwhile. It could really be anything—just not something I throw in the trash four days later. If he’s hell-bent on getting me something botanical, I would suggest a potted plant that actually has a chance at life. Then again, living with me, it probably wouldn’t anyway. Thank God I don’t have any animals nor children now.

Remember in high school around Valentine’s Day and the Homecoming and Turnabout dances when you could send flowers to your friends? Girls would walk through the halls, arms full of 20 or more carnations, and they were sooo special and sooo popular and loved! Anyhow, these girls were carrying around piles of these poor dead cheap $1 flowers and thinking they were hot shit.

Really, they were more like cold diarrhea.

I won’t go too into it, but I feel similarly about diamonds. First off, women should realize that having an expensive ring is not necessarily relative to the “amount” that your man loves you. Second, even if my fiancé-to-be had a decent amount of cash, I would much rather have him put that into a down payment on a house, future children’s college funds or retirement plans, or something practical. I’d probably lose the piece of jewelry anyway, seriously. And that would be like flushing a $10,000 bill down the toilet. Not good.

Essentially, buying flowers for someone is like giving them a $20 bill to look at for half a week then throw it away. I can’t even imagine why people spend $50 on elaborate, massive floral arrangements. I suppose I’m just a practical sort of girl. Even food is more worth it to me, because at least I consume it! If you insist on spending money on me, give me a gas card, buy my college textbooks, of give me a gift certificate to Aldo or Victoria’s Secret. That way I can get around, look cute, and not have to worry about hauling the vacuum cleaner up to my room when the dead roses disintegrate all over my bedroom. 

I’d much rather take easier-to-dispose-of dead puppies. 

‘Cause Lord knows I am not the cleaning kind.