mizChartreuse!

I’ve worked in the service industry in some capacity for the last five years. I’ve worked in bars and at sporting venues (for the Bulls, Blackhawks, White Sox and Bears), and the movie Waiting was especially poignant for me. One of my fellow servers at the Chicago Stadium Club did a special segment on Oprah’s show, reminding the public about dining etiquette.

Especially with things being crazy lately as we’re all working extra days for the 2009 NBA and NHL Playoffs, I’ve been having a lot more dreams nightmares where I’m taking endless orders, forgetting about customers, and running around in circles for hours serving people cocktails.

It’s all been said before, but I think it’s worth re-mentioning. You can tell a lot about a person by how they act when in restaurants.

 

How to behave while dining out

1. Make up your goddamn mind, and fast.

If you see that the bar/restaurant is especially busy, know what you want and place your order. Now.

Nothing irritates me more than people waffling over their decisions for three minutes. If I have ten tables of people waiting for orders, my plastic smile is going to quickly fade if you can’t decide if you want sauvignon blanc or chardonnay. If you just tell me what you want right away, I can put your order in right away and we’ll all get everything delivered in a timely manner.

 

 

No. Not in my club.

 

2. This is not Burger King.

You cannot have everything YOUR WAY. 

Order off the menu. If you don’t see a side of chips and dip on the menu, don’t ask if we have it.

Just tell me what kind of cheese you want on your burger and how you want it done. You can pick the tomato off, and the pickle comes on the side. I’ll even give you an extra plate for all the fixin’s that you don’t want! All these special orders make our tickets more difficult for the kitchen to follow. Special requests are a pain in the ass. If you have an allergy, it’s different, but ultimately, just point to something on the list and you got it.

 

 

 

3. Don’t change your mind.

This goes along with ordering quickly. You’re not the only patron in the restaurant. If you can run up to me while I’m at the computer terminal entering your order, I can change it if it hasn’t been sent already. But after that, any changes require someone running down to the kitchen to make changes to the ticket.

Also, if you want ranch with your burger, TELL ME WHEN I TAKE YOUR ORDER, not when the food runner brings your plates. Then he has to run back and make an extra trip for your condiment that could have easily been put on the side initially.

If I come to your table and ask if you need anything and you want a water, FINE. I’ll get you a water (even though I could have initially brought you one with your cocktail and I probably ASKED you if you wanted a glass). Try to ask at the start of our encounter. The worst is returning with the water and having someone else pipe up, “Oh, can I have one too?” Then I’ll bring the second water and someone will ask for Tabasco.

I will want to slap you.

 

 

No. You cannot be my sugar daddy.

 

4. Servers are generally smiley and friendly because their income depends on it.

We DON’T WANT TO DATE/DO YOU.

Don’t ask me for a hug when I’m trying to get your beer order and the entire bar is full of people wanting the same thing. My partner in crime, Selena, recently received a business card with the added comment that it was good for a date complete with dinner and drinks. Guys will often think we’re their best friends and really cool people. We ARE awesome, but don’t fool yourself.

I’m going to work to make money, not to pick up men. Especially not men old enough to be my father. Call me greedy, call my sneaky–just don’t misread my smile and soothing voice as WANTING YOU.

I made the mistake of ONCE exchanging contact information with a man I thought would be good to network with.

He called me NUMEROUS times over the summer, leaving voicemails that only said, “Hey, it’s Thomas, you met me at the club, give me a call.” After I didn’t answer/call back five times, the sixth voicemail he added, “Hey, Char, it’s Tom from the Stadium Club. I haven’t heard back from you, but I was interested in working out a sugar daddy situation with you.”

SERIOUSLY? Seriously. Srsly?!

Wow.

 

5. Be mindful of where you’re sitting and who you order your drinks from.

If you’re sitting at the bar, order your drinks from the bartender. Anywhere that is NOT a bar stool is the cocktail server’s jurisdiction. DON’T take chairs from the surrounding tables and try to cram them into the already full bar.

DON’T order your drinks from the bartender then sit at the cocktail server’s table. NO, we cannot transfer your tab from the bar to us. Don’t ask me to grab you a drink from the bar if your credit card is with the bartender. Remember, every move we cocktail servers make is for our personal income, and it’s not one giant tip pool between the servers and bartenders.

If anything, you’ll probably get your drinks faster if you go through the servers, because the bartenders have to make our drinks as soon as we enter them in the computer. You might end up waiting in a line of twelve people for ten minutes for your one Stella draft.

 

 

6. Servers are not inferior. In fact, although we are working for you, we are probably superior because we know how to mentally manipulate are good with people.

We’re esentially the liaison between you and what you want. Don’t make rude comments. If you treat those waiting on you as “bar maids” or your own personal run-arounder, they will resent you.  

I don’t mix the drinks, so don’t ask me if the bartender put any Ketel One in your cranberry juice. Don’t get mad at your server if your burger is medium rare instead of rare. I’m not slangin’ spatulas and running the deep fryer back there. 

 

 

7. Don’t ask for coffee at a crowded bar at the end of the night.

Yes, we have coffee pots sitting there and our coffee IS great. However, it’s a pain in the ass and more time-consuming. Don’t you want your food and drinks faster, anyway?

 

Instead of entering the order and the computer and picking up the beer bottles/drafts or cocktails, we have to enter the order, grab a cup and saucer, the sweeteners, and wait for the bartender/barback to grab the creamer from the refrigerater and pour it into the carafe. 

 

PLEASE. It doesn’t seem like that much more extra effort is exerted, but come on. Coffee is a hassle. And why are you drinking it at 11 p.m.?

 

 

8. Pay your bill when the server presents it, especially if you asked for it.

 

I despise having to circle in your general area over and over again to see if a credit card or cash is sticking out of the check presenter.  

Close out your tab. You can stay and nurse your drink, but especially at the end of the night, I want to close all my checks, cash out, and leave. Don’t linger on paying me.

 

 

 

9. If you don’t like something, DON’T EAT IT ALL AND THEN TELL ME IT WAS HORRIBLE. 

This doesn’t need much more elaboration. I will do my best to remedy the problem, but not if you ate the entire burger, you freak.

 

 

10. Most importantly: If your server goes above and beyond, PAY UP.

 

Also, if your server does a good job, but there were mistakes that were NOT HIS OR HER FAULT, pony up!

It’s annoying to do a bunch of extra things for a table and to see a TEN percent tip when they leave. Come on. I got you extra condiments, refilled your iced tea or diet coke seven times (when I SHOULD BE CHARGING YOU $3.75 for EACH), gave you perfect service, and went above and beyond. Again, we’re not being nice because we’re nice. We’re being nice because we have to pay rent once a month.

 

Last night a lovely couple ordered drinks and a side of chips. The chips were disgusting and made the woman feel ill, so I offered them a substitute. When they declined, I took the stale chips off the bill, naturally. They left a 33% tip even though their bill consisted of three Jack and Cokes and a Miller Lite. 

Your server WILL REMEMBER if you’re a shitty tipper. Likewise, they will remember if you take care of them. Going along with that, be consistent–don’t be a great tipper one day when you’re dining in with your sweetheart  granddaughter, then leave 11% when paying for your deadbeat boyfriend who drinks expensive cognac.

20% is good.That’s the standard we’re calculating when we go to enter our credit card tip or are making you change. It’s easy–two dollars tip per ten dollars of the bill. More than that is better, ALWAYS appreciated, and duly noted for the future, I promise. 

If you don’t have money to tip, you don’t have money to dine out. Don’t forget, a cut of your server’s tip is going to the food runners and bussers at the end of the night, and some to the bartenders as well. Automatically. Based on our sales, not our tips. 

 

Bonus, part I: If you’re eating at a fine dining buffet in an exquisite restaurant, tip your server 20% on the bill. 

This is not Old Country Buffet, this is a white-tablecloth establishment.Yes, you’re getting your own food, but your server is telling you what the delectable dishes are, bringing your drinks, clearing your plates…providing you with great service. 

Bonus, part II: Cash tips are always better than credit card tips. 

This is simply for the reason that credit card tips are taxed and cash is not. You can totally pay your bill in credit, but slipping your server a twenty and leaving a zero in the Gratuity line goes a lot further.

 

I love people and am at my best when in social environments. I will be sweet to your kids and flash you my hundred-watt smile, bringing you whatever you need and totally taking care of you. I love and enjoy my job; the sentiment just needs to be returned.