mizChartreuse || redefiningSuccess

Dear Potential Roommate,

The Pilsen neighborhood of the lower west side of Chicago is one that is up and coming. If you know how to apartment search properly, you’ll find huge spaces for ridiculously low rent. 

I live in one such apartment–four bedrooms, LOTS of living space. There is one bathroom (which is never an issue since we’re all on different schedules), a spacious kitchen, and an indoor back porch and a lovely front balcony perfect for grilling and sipping cocktails in the summer (provided you don’t mind climbing out the front window to access it). None of the bedrooms share walls, and the second-floor apartment itself is very long and spread out.

The rent is $800 total, for the four bedrooms. You do the math. Yes, a place this large for $200 doesn’t exist in Chicago, spare our fantastic location. Summer is prime moving season, and you’ll be jumping to join the 2242 Crew.

Needless to say, however, paying a $200 rent (plus utilities which are less than $75 each during the warmer months) attracts people of a certain caliber…shall we say BUMS?

Many people have been in and out of the revolving door of 2242.

I’ve lived with a guy who displayed his swords, nunchuks, and brass knuckles on his walls, then disappeared off the face of the planet, owing me and the other girls money in bills and leaving his furniture for us to clean.

I’ve lived with a guy who told us he’s a “rap recording artist,” working with producers and studios, preparing to “drop” his “tracks.” He didn’t pay utilities once and subsequently disapppeared.

I’ve lived with a girl who drank so much that she’d slip into diabetic comas and not wake up for 30 hours. She also garbage dove for food, stole hoodies from homeless people’s shopping carts, and SHOWERED WITH HER MUDDY BOOTS ON.

One kid was all of 20 years old and tried to make his owning of Rock Band a selling point on us allowing him to live with us. 20-year-old stoners don’t take anything seriously, and he’s spent an astonishing 5% of his time in the actual house. The rest of his life was spent wandering around the city while high and NOT holding up his share of household chores, nor paying rent and bills on time EVEN THOUGH HIS MOM WAS PAYING EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

Sound bad? This current one TAKES THE CAKE!

Megan and I currently live with a girl who had the People’s Energy bill in her name last year and DIDN’T PAY IT FOR EIGHT MONTHS. We were giving her the cash each month, but it NEVER went to the gas company. It went in her pocket. We didn’t find out she hadn’t paid the bill for EIGHT MONTHS until one day, I had no hot water when I went to shower. 

“I honestly don’t know what happened,” she said, as we looked over the bill payment history which showed sporadic payments of, oh, $22, $83, $15…when were were ALL GIVING HER THE FULL AMOUNT each month.

I was spitting mad, and pissed about having to shower at friends’ homes for a MONTH. I wanted to kick her ass to the curb after that, but the three others of us collectively decided to show some mercy to our poor, sociopathic, lying, stealing roommate for some reason.

We signed a new six-month lease which expires June 15, saying that the first three months would be a “trial period” for everyone. If the four of us didn’t pay rent/utilities on time and hold up their share of the cleaning responsibilities, we would notify them at the three-month mark that they would be out.

Fresh starts. Second chances. We let the deadbeat roommate (we’ll call her Dyketha)  who fucked up the gas bill close out that account (so she is solely financially responsible for it) and put the ComEd electric bill in her name.

I picked up the mail yesterday and saw the elusive ComEd bill which I hadn’t seen in weeks. Dyketha had been writing the amount due on our whiteboard which hosts all utilities due, but not posting the ACTUAL bill so we could see what the charges were. I told her, “I’m not paying you this $22 until I see the actual bill. I have no reason to trust you’re actually paying the electric company.”

“That’s fair,” she responded, saying yes when I had asked her straight up if she had been paying the bill on time.

I opened the letter from ComEd yesterday. “Current charges: $86.” Fair enough. I read on: “Total balance: $766.26 due on May 22.”

That nailed the coffin shut.

My other roommate and I bitched Dyketha out last night.

She played dumb.

“I could have SWORN I told you guys that I had a balance from another place when I first moved to Chicago.” [LIES]

“I never received full payment from everyone, so I didn’t make the payment.” [LIES]

“I swear, when you asked me for the bill last month, I mentioned to you that it was past due.” [LIES]

“I’m really just retarded and sociopathic.” [She didn't really say the last line, but she may as well have.]

My good roommate Megan says, “I don’t know what’s worse–a liar or a theif. Liars will always lie, and theives will always steal. You’re both, and I don’t want you in my house.”

“Are you fucking crazy?” I looked at her, sitting pathetically on the couch with that stupid look on her face.

Now, I’m not one to bitch out people, and my method of doing so is not to get overly emotional and shrill, but to remain calm and composed while showing my shock at the incredulity of the entire situation, whilst calling one a dumbass.

When it was clear that our rational method of living (read: collect cash from roommates. Throw in your 25%. Pay bill. Don’t use their cash to buy pot) was not computing in Dyketha’s brain (I really don’t think she’s that dumb, just guilty as shit and unable admit it), we ended the “conversation,” telling her she had to be out, STAT. “Fair enough,” she agreed.

All I could think and say was, “Wow. Just, WOW.”

“Thanks for the talk, guys,” Dyketha said as she awkwardly walked into her cesspool of a bedroom.

“Wow. Just, WOW.” I looked at her.

What did President George W. say? “Fool me twice…y-you can’t fool a fool again.” Or something. Regardless, OUR BAD.

::

In conclusion, we are looking for a smart female in her early-to-mid twenties who has her shit together. You must be of the artistic, creative, social sort and NOT BE ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PERSONALITY TYPES. Straight-edge people need not apply. I’m sure we’ll all be able to tell within a few minutes if we naturally click, so contact us and come on by. I’m a writer who likes vodka tonics and fashion. Megan’s a photographer who loves to cook and shares the wealth.

Really, life’s not that hard. Make money, pay the bills, have a cocktail or two. If you think you can do this, please contact us ASAP to schedule a time to come by and check out our fantastic abode.

Sincerely,

Charlotte Madeline