mizChartreuse || redefiningSuccess

I love writing. It’s the only thing I care about, really. However, I do NOT like writing as much when it’s something I HAVE to do.

Actually, that goes for most things in life. I much rather prefer to do things because I WANT to and LIKE to, not because it’s mandated. In fact, pretty much anytime anyone tells me to do something, I prefer to do the opposite. It’s my first, natural instinct.

Because of this philosophy of mine, school was always a lot of fun. And by fun, I mean last-minute all-nighters and strengthening the bond between me and my coffee-maker.

 

The band Brand New summed my school life quite nicely:

This is a lesson in procrastination/I kill myself because I’m so frustrated/And every single second that I put it off/Means another lonely night I’ve got to race the clock…I find myself picking at a chip on my shoulder/I’m another day late and one year older/It’s failure by design

 

It’s true, except I never fail. No good paper/essay/presentation/newspaper article of mine was EVER completed early. They’re always, literally, produced last minute (like, starting them at 1 a.m. on the morning they’re due), and/or late.

But again, I never fail because I pull through and can write well, and my finished projects are always like, “BAM! In yo’ face, professor. This is hot shit; I DARE you to give me a C on this even though it’s late. You can’t.” It feels good, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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So. I show up to class 50-75 percent of the time if my professors are lucky, start/turn in most assignments last minute/late, NEVER study/cram for exams, and still manage to finish the semester with good grades, all while working multiple jobs and never stressing because there’s no point.

And now, I will share the secret with you.

 

How to write a final paper, miz chartreuse-style.

Anyone who is in or went to school knows the story. In the beginning of the semester, you’re assigned a huge project due at the end. Your professor gives you PLENTY OF TIME to plan ahead, with this sort of wonderful advice:

 

“Make sure you create an outline for where you want your paper to go. You’ll want to do multiple drafts and revisions.”

“Be sure to tackle one aspect of this project every week so you’re not scrambling at the last minute.”

“Do all your research first, then start writing.”

“I know this is a 25-page thesis, but if you compartmentalize it and spread out the work, you’ll be able to finish this, easy.”

 

Remember what I said about imperative statements? I do the opposite.

And this is how my semester goes:

Week one: Oh, I have plenty of time. 25 pages? Please. I’ll start it next week. I already know my topic. I’m gonna write about SuperBloggers. ‘s’all good. I’m a blogger; I KNOW this stuff, HELLO…

Week four: Research? Why research? I already know what I’m talking about. I’ll flip through a book or two for ideas. Are there even ANY good books on blogging?

Week six: All my friends are going out four nights this week for birthdays? Well, I work ’til 11 p.m., but maybe I can do a little writing when I get home after going out.

[Note: this NEVER HAPPENS.]

Besides, life is all about experiences and memories, and I need to take my camera with me to document my fierce, flawless, fabulous, fun life.

Week eight: Okay, okay. We’re way past the half-semester mark, and half my paper is due Thursday and I haven’t been to this class the last three times we met. I’ll whip something up. [And I do. Wednesday night/Thursday morning.]

Week thirteen: 

Monday

Holy shit! Where did the last five weeks go? That was fast! Didn’t we JUST turn in the first draft of the first half? Goodness. Well, I have three days before this sucker is due at 7 p.m. on Wednesday, so that’s plenty of time.

Tuesday

10:15 a.m. – Shit. I was supposed to be in class at 10; why did I JUST WAKE UP? Oh, well, my commute’s over an hour anyway, and by the time I’d get to class it’d be over, so I’ll just stay home AGAIN today and work on this 25-page paper that’s due tomorrow. This actually works out for the best!

10:20 a.m. – Mmm, coffee. Oh, The View’s on! I love Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar! They’re sooo funny! Elisabeth Hasselbeck is annoying and blonde.

 

 

 

11:05 a.m. – That was really cool seeing Lil’ Wayne on The View. He’s a lot different in interviews than his onstage persona. I like him even more. On to that paper.

12:05 p.m. – Man, my best friend Allie is hilarious. That was a great 45-minute long phone conversation. On to that paper.

1:15 p.m. - It’s funny how I can seriously spend an HOUR in the shower. My mind wanders like crazy.

1:30 p.m. – Oh, shoot. Well, I HAD a class to go to at 1:30, but once again, even if I were to leave now, I’d get there by the time class was over. But it’s cool, cause I’m hanging out at home today working on this 25-page thesis that’s due tomorrow. Everything works out for the best.

And besides, why do professors take attendance anyway? Don’t they know that I’M PAYING THEM? Jeez. Why do THEY care if I show up or not? I’m a very busy person.

3:00 p.m. - Phew! Finally caught up on my social networking. All Facebook notifications have been replied to, all funny Twitter tweets have been addressed, and I’m caught up on all my emails. Done with this fun stuff; on to that paper.

So, should I do the accompanying Power Point presentation part first, or finish the paper first? Let’s see. I’m writing about SuperBloggers need to research some blogs to see their trends.

5:00 p.m. - Wow. Dooce is really funny. I want HER LIFE.

 

 

 

6:30 p.m. - Nina’s blogs are hilarious! Her 24 recaps are so witty! And I can’t believe I seriously just read all 28 chapters of her fiction novel, Sharing Space. I couldn’t stop. So so good. Patrick and Chloe are the PERFECT couple.

8:30 p.m. - Welp, I just whipped up a fantastic four-course dinner, and I NEVER cook! That was great. I wonder why the culinary bug bit me TODAY of ALL DAYS! And dude. I SO have 22 and a half hours before my paper’s due. Well, 21 and a half, because I have an hourlong commute to campus. ‘s’all good. On to that paper. Oh! Sean’s calling me.

10:30 p.m. - Sean is so funny. Time just flies when we’re chatting; I can’t believe we just talked for TWO HOURS. So funny.

11:05 p.m. – So, I’ve decided that this paper will be written in the Georgia font. I’m partial to Helvetica, but I’m working on a PC, so I can’t. Arial’s kind of close, but anyone who knows anything knows that Helvetica is WAY BETTER than Arial. What time is it?

 

 

 

11:15 p.m. – Oh, Oprah’s on! Since I woke up at 10:15, I missed it this morning; good thing I caught the night airing in time! Oprah’s a former journalist; maybe something she says today will inspire me.

 

Wednesday – The Day of Reckoning

12:15 a.m. – I CANNOT BELIEVE DOOCE WAS ON OPRAH. That’s some sort of crazy synchronicity, here! I mean, I’m writing a paper on blogging and my favorite blogger, Heather B. Armstrong, WAS ON OPRAH. I have to Tweet about this. 

1:30 a.m. – God, my Facebook friends are so funny. On to that paper.

2:45 a.m. - I have fifteen pages! Woo hoo! But I should probably delete the twelve paragraphs about how important Twitter is to bloggers; that might be a bit much.

3:15 a.m. - Did I seriously just spend the last 20 minutes tweaking the borders and making my paper 2.2-spaced instead of just double-spaced? Oh well, I gained a little more “text.” Seventeen pages down, eight to go! We’re so good.

4:45 a.m. – Oh, my God. I seriously just fell asleep facedown on my laptop for an hour and a half. I guess that’s what I get for trying to write a paper while LYING IN BED, but hey, it’s more comfortable here. Power naps are good!

 

 

 

Besides, I have like twelve hours before all this stuff’s due. Now, to start the Power Point.

6:30 a.m. - Sunrise. I’ve made it through the worst part. Now that it’s getting light outside, It’ll be easier to stay awake. I’ll get my third wind.

7:45 a.m. - Uncontrollable shaking, eyes crossing.

9:00 a.m. – Well, the Power Point is done. Almost. I mean, I have all the pictures for each slide and they’re all titled. Now I just have to figure out what bullet-point text to put in. Bullet-points are good. Nobody likes to see a FULL SCREEN of words on a PPT, only to have the presenter READ them all. Only amateur weenies do that. 

9:30 a.m. - Oh wait–Oprah’s on! NO. No, Charlotte. I have to be disciplined and finish this. I’ll catch Oprah tonight at 11 if my body doesn’t decide to SHUT DOWN by then.

11:00 a.m. - Is this shit REALLY due at 7 p.m.? Let me go back and re-read my entire eight-page syllabus JUST TO MAKE SURE. Just in case. Cause, you know.

11:30 a.m. – Yeah, it’s due in seven and a half hours. Cool. I knew that.

1:00 p.m. - Thank God I didn’t have any daytime classes today. I’m on page 22! Almost there! So, what the fuck else am I going to talk about? Has ANYONE ever talked about blogging for 22 pages? This is ridiculous. How much IS there possibly in the world to say about this topic? 

2:00 p.m. – God, I’m such an asshole. WHO STARTS A 25-PAGE PAPER THE DAY BEFORE IT’S DUE? I ALWAYS do this. Why do I do this to myself? Never again.  I wish I could get hit by a car on the way to school but not get SERIOUSLY injured, so I’d have a legitimate excuse. Do I have any legitimate excuses? Not really. FML. Never again. I’m SO tired. I want to die. My brain hates me right now.

[Note: You may as well skip the self-loathing part, because you're going to do it again. This happens every time. Why are you even surprised.]

3:00 p.m. – Actually, my best work is always done last minute. I’m pretty proud of myself for pulling this together! I’m so so close!

4:00 p.m. - Just re-read the paper. Realized I’d accidentally copied/pasted five paragraphs of text TWICE, so I’m really only at 23 pages. Again.

5:00 p.m. – I’m almost there! 24 pages! Wow, this is actually really great. Shit I have to leave my house in 45 minutes. I just have to finish this Power Point.

6:00 p.m. - I really should be heading to the train station NOW, but I just have to make sure everything is perfect. Okay, everything is perfect. Where the hell is my USB flash drive? Got it. I am amazing I am amazing I am amazing. I also am going to pass out on the floor right now, but I am amazing.

6:21 p.m. - Damn it, I missed both the 6:20 train AND bus by SECONDS. Looks like I’m taking a cab to campus when I reach the end of the Green Line.

6:53 p.m. - [In cab] Stop talking to me and drive faster, you crazy cabbie. I deliberately wore my sunglasses to appear more aloof, why do all you cabbies think I’m SO FRIENDLY? Hurry up! Ugh, I would have made it through that light if I were driving. Come on come on come on…

7:02 p.m. – I MADE IT TO CLASS ON TIME! I didn’t have time to print my paper before coming in, but at least I’m in class on time! The professor won’t mind if I print the paper at the break–at least it’s DONE! VICTORY IS MINE! Celebratory drinks on Madison Street after class with my fellow journos!

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And that, my friends, is how it’s done.