mizChartreuse! redefining success

No.

Eggs and I are on hiatus. Taking a little…”break,” if you will.

I love cooking big, hearty breakfasts–any combination of bacon, toast, waffles, sausage links, hash browns, and of course, my staple scrambled eggs. I do cereal or those yogurt shake things on occasion, but hot breakfasts really get me going.

Until last week.

We have these brown eggs that come from vegetarian-fed hens. They’ve always tasted great for me, until I cracked a couple into a mixing bowl the other day.

What I saw in that goopy mass gave me SERIOUS pause.

“Sean!” I whined/yelled. “These eggs are freaking me out!”

One of the eggs had a grossly overgrown chalaza. The white tampon-string-looking-thing was REALLY LONG, and the way it swirled around within the membrane made me gag.

Even worse, the egg’s germinal disc was a big, red, bloody-looking mess.

I DON’T WANT TO SEE RED ANYTHING IN MY EGGS. Isn’t that spot on the yolk SUPPOSED TO BE WHITE?

“That’s nasty,” Sean said in disgust. “That’s why I don’t eat eggs very often. I don’t want to eat no baby chick. I bet that shit was fertilized.” He ran out of the kitchen.

Suppressing my gag reflex, I dumped both eggs down the kitchen sink. “I’m having scrambled egg WHITES today,” I declared.

I rinsed out the mixing bowl and cracked two more eggs, being careful to only let the clear liquid escape from the shell into the bowl. A tiny bit of yellow swirl made it in; thoroughly grossed out, I grabbed a spoon and fished out all of the color.

I scrambled up the whites and made a few strips of bacon and toast. As I entered the dining room to partake, Sean and my roommate Rachel inquired as to what I made.

“Scrambled egg whites.”

“God! Gross! What is that? You got some fried placenta there on your plate?” Sean has a penchant for being obscene.

“Is that what egg whites really are?” Rachel mused. “It kind of makes sense! Cuz human placentas hold human babies before birth…so isn’t all that clear/white stuff the placenta that holds chicks before hatching?”

I looked down at my plate, imagining the white mass as the potential housing unit for a developing chicken embryo. And I had just scrambled it. In a non-stick pan. With a drop of olive oil. With the intention of eating it.

I couldn’t take another bite. I wanted to die. I nibbled on the non-fatty parts of my bacon strips and threw my entire plate away. My appetite was ruined. Actually, not ruined, DEMOLISHED.

***

I did some research into the parts of an egg on the internet and learned the complexities of egg biology.

Gag me with a whisk.

1. Eggshell
2. Outer membrane
3. Inner membrane
4. Chalaza
5. Exterior albumen
6. Middle albumen
7. Vitelline membrane
8. Nucleus of pander
9. Germinal disk
10. Yellow yolk
11. White yolk
12. Internal albumen
13. Chalaza
14. Air cell
15. Cuticula

Membranes? Albumens? Cuticulas?

Thanks, Wikipedia, but no, thanks.

Egg whites are not necessarily PLACENTA; their technical term is the “albumen” or “glair.” Regardless, it looks like placenta to me, and I think placenta is disgusting.

GAGGGG

AND THERE ARE ACTUAL RECIPES ON THE INTERNET THAT UTILIZE HUMAN PLACENTA.

I’m serious. This is from a “Placenta with Broccoli” recipe I found on the Internet, which apparently goes well with loose, firm rice:

“You’ll need about 1/2 the placenta of a 6.2 pound baby, or 1/3 the placenta of a 9.3 pound baby. Chopped and packed, this is just a bit more than 1/3 cup. (but like any raw meat, you don’t exactly chop it — try sniping [sic] away at it with a kitchen scissors)”

IS THIS A JOKE? Please, someone tell me this is a joke.

I’ve been a big fan of eggs for the longest time, but after my bloody, possibly-fertilized baby chick egg incident, I have been completely turned off to any prospect of egg-eating or childbearing (just kidding about the last one).

Never thought I’d say this, but maybe the vegans are onto something.