Last night, Sean and I watched Notorious, the biopic on the life and times of Christopher “Biggie Smalls” Wallace, aka the Notorious B.I.G.
I’m a hip-hop fan and have always loved Biggie’s music, but I must honestly say I knew pretty much nothing about his life other than his feud with Tupac and the East Coast/West Coast rivalry (I must say I’m a much bigger East Coast fan than the West [because people in LA suck]…but each has their merits). I had no idea about the Biggie, Lil’ Kim and Faith Evans love triangle.
Two of Biggie's ladies...
...and the actresses who portrayed them.
Now, who doesn’t know a thing or two about love triangles?
With one glance at the first page of my Facebook friends list, I can point out a good number of people who have all been involved with one another in one way or another, whether it was through official relationships, a simple scandalous hook up, or long-term booty calls.
All great revelations are whelped from bar napkins.
A year or so ago, my friend Jaley even created a “Love Polygon,” which was a figure connecting different people and their respective partners. Shared lines depicted non-platonic relationships and Xes depicted parties who did not physically hook up (even though they did, by proxy).
Like myself, Jaley was a serial bandaid (think Almost Famous) throughout her childhood and for most of her adult life. It’s a vicious cycle in which many teenage girls and women find themselves caught.
The Love Polygon was much like Alice’s chart from the Showtime series The L Word (but far less complex).
The lesbians get AROUND.
Facebook shows us that everybody KNOWS everybody and we’re all connected in six degrees or fewer. Essentially, in the same way, everybody has basically slept with everybody else.
By proxy.
Even if you’ve only slept with one person. And even if you’re a virgin. I promise you.
And the worst offenders of Miracle-Growing the branches of relations charts and love polygons are musicians. Band dudes. Hip-hop recording artists. Solo singers. Basically, musically-inclined people who have even a modicum of notoriety or exposure, even if they’re just a 19-year-old bassist for a local band.
They’re all whores.
And this is why you should never date a musician.
In Notorious, Biggie impregnated his girlfriend at the age of 17. He promised her, “I gotchu, girl.” He subsequently served months in prison for selling crack and obviously didn’t.
After his release while he was “with” his baby mama, he scoped a cute girl who walked past his street every day and finally asked her to lunch. In the next scene, she’s riding him in all her golden goddess naked glory. Lil’ Kim and Biggie ended up having a tumultuous love affair for months after that, and Biggie promoted her musicianship–as the biggest, baddest ho.
Then Biggie met Faith Evans and VERY quickly married her, much to Lil’ Kim’s chagrin. At Biggie and Faith’s wedding ceremony, he hesitated at the part of being faithful ’til death, but said it anyhow.
And cheated on her, and cheated on her, and cheated on her. With skanks in the studio, bitches backstage, and in hos in hotels.
Musicians don’t even have to try. I mean, I would do Gwen Stefani in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity, even if she was dumb as a box of rocks. Band boys have gaggles of girls who “love their music,” but really, the girls just like the boys because they’re cute. How many successful local bands from Chicago have ugly frontmen? (Remember, the operative word here is “successful.”)
I’m not passing judgment on musicians for being whores; it’s just a simple observation of fact. I can’t hate on them for sowing their seed because a lot of people from all walks of life do as well.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I may come off as brash, but I really don’t think many band dudes can argue with me on this one. There are always exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. I know, because 95% of the people I’ve ever been involved with in any capacity were band dudes. There’s something about the sweaty rock star on stage contorting his body and making love to his instrument as he makes thousands of young women swoon.
I’m glad to say I’ve recovered from that addiction.
**
12 reasons why you should Never Date A Musician
1. They only care about themselves.
Band guys are flakey, narcissistic, and selfish. Being adored by thousands does something unique to the ego; something not found in other types of people with varying levels of celebrity.
In high school, I was a show-going girl and loved local “indie” rock music. My first boyfriend played guitar and jammed with his pals occasionally. And like the stupid cheerleader, I would sit in his room with him and listen to him play crappy acoustic covers of Saves the Day ALL AFTERNOON LONG.
Why, dear Lord?
2. They want the opposite of what you want.
While you’re home, longing for the affection of your particular band man, he’s chasing the dream, traveling across the country in a cheeseburger-smelling van with three or four other sweaty dudes.
Honestly, touring is not all it’s cracked up to be. Girls want to tag along with bands when they’re on the road, but it’s the furthest opposite from glamorous (unless they’re traveling in personal chartered buses…but that’s a different level of musicianship).
Touring is literally hours of staring at long stretches of highway across the plains of the United States. Sure, there are fun landmarks in each state and you do meet some interesting people, but the majority of time is spent sitting in a van.
And if your man is telling you he can’t call or text you while he’s on tour–that’s bullshit because all there IS is time, until they reach the venue. Then there’s loading in, soundcheck, and the actual show…but there are 24 hours in a day.
3. They’re phony and manipulative.
The after-show hugs and exressions of gratitude are often just formalities. Teenage show-going girls will swoon over a simple hug when really the band guy is thinking, “Wow, you’re fat and gross, and your pink highlights look awful…but you’ll buy my t-shirt and a CD, so here goes…”
Not gonna lie, I totally capitalized on such things when hawking merch for my friends in bands. “Isn’t he cute?” I’d ask the 14-year-old. “I’ll introduce you to the singer if you buy this CD!” Worked every time.
4. You will blindly interpret their flaws as positive characteristics.
Everybody has their faults and vices, but when a musician is chemically imbalanced, aloof and/or fucked up, the loving girl will see that as an endearing virtue, rather than just seeing that he’s just really not that into you when it’s loud and clear.
Even if he writes the most beautiful, sensual songs you’ve EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE and is an OMG MUSICAL GENIUS, he still can be a sociopath lacking consideration.
5. They will almost always choose their music careers over you.
I promise, again.
The ultimate goal of any musician is to “make it.” Whether it’s popular commercial success or worldwide touring on an independent label, musicians want to be able to make a living doing what they love.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But this is where the problem lies: The band is always first in their lives. You can have plans that were made months in advance, but if he gets an opportunity to play a huge show or attend a record label party, forget your plans! Band practice, promoting and marketing all take priority over you.
Think you’re in a loving relationship with your budding rock star boyfriend? I know from experience that girlfriends REALLY don’t matter to guys on tour. Even the most upstanding gentleman has at least a little potential to scope girls in new cities and hook up with them in any degree. And his fellow bandmates will look you in the eye later, and NEVER tell you.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but don’t commit to your girl back home if you have hos in different area codes.
This is why I enjoy dating a writer with a great day job. If he wants to spend three hours composing a blog at night, I can’t be mad at him because that’s what I do.
6. They are eternally discontent.
Being a musician involves incessant agonizing. It takes dedication to constantly come up with new ideas. They will toil over melodies and harmonies for hours. To work their way up, they have to play crappy show after crappy show, which is especially depressing in the beginning.
I once got so caught up in a particular musician boyfriend’s malcontentedness with his life that even I started busting my ass for his career because it seemed he would NEVER be happy. I booked him a show and I promoted it around town. I emailed booking agents and tried to find artists for collaboration or bands to trade shows.
No.
7. The success they long for is the same thing that will ultimately destroy your relationship.
And then they still always want more.
Getting signed to a powerful label and having a bunch of new responsibilities as a recording artist changes a musician’s life. If you’re dating or hooking up with a flaky musician, the positive part of him getting a deal is that he will leave you alone and vanish into the atmosphere.
8. They write songs for/about you.
Sounds cute, right? NOT.
Oftentimes it’s not until you’ve broken up with him for being a self-obsessed douchebag, but you’ll inevitably, at some point, get a song.
If your relationship is good, you may end up having a song written about you and how great your love is, and it might even get recorded on a CD or played on the local radio station! Awesome, right? No, because once you break up (which you WILL), you’ll end up being haunted by such song. Even worse is if it becomes a worldwide phenomenal single. Gross.
If the dude can play guitar and REALLY REALLY wants you, he may write a song in attempts to earn your undying love. Then you’ll be forced to tell him how much you love it (even if it sucks [which it probably does]). Also, some of the things they declare in said song may not necessarily be about you, specifically…it could be a re-write of the same lame song they wrote about the last girl they were obsessed with.
Then of course there is the song about the scorned musician–the painful lyrical interpretation of the relationship’s failure. And oftentimes, you’ll be the one in the wrong (even though the band guy is generally the bad guy).
9. They will sleep with you…then sleep with your best friend (or enemy) while your sweat is still on their body.
But in that moment, they’ll make you feel like you’re the most important thing in their world. But they’ll leave your apartment at 4 a.m. and don’t want to hang out with you in broad daylight. You will inevitably end up confused, when in actuality he really never gave you an inkling of indication that he wanted to be yours and only yours.
10. They are perpetually broke.
Unless they have a “real” job or something to do on the side or while they’re not on tour, any accessible musician probably doesn’t have any money.
But the worst type of accessible musician is the kid whose parents bought his entire rig (and the recording studio equipment, and the band’s van and trailer, and maybe even gear for his bandmates). He has no semblance of responsibility or value of expensive, precious instruments that most musicians have to save and budget for. Likewise, he will not value you. Stay far far away.
11. You have to deal with their psychotic fans.
Band girlfriends who go to shows don’t have friends, and people who attend shows that aren’t friends of the band are, generally speaking, insane.
It may look like it on the outside, but at the core, if a fan is trying to be your friend, it’s simply because she wants to get closer to the band. In face, she probably wants YOUR man and is simply keeping the enemy (you) closer. And trust you me, once you and your band dude break up, your great friendships with the band’s fans will cease and desist.
12. You will become addicted.
Like crack. Or Pringles, or painkiller pharmaceuticals…you can’t stop ’til you get enough. And your addiction will never be satiated until you just get tired of the cycle and have to quit cold turkey.
**
The Pierces’ super cute song “Boy in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Band” emotes very well the inexplanable attraction we have toward musicians.
Why do I adore you? We’ve only just met…
I feel I would do anything for you,
but baby, sometimes I forget.
I could give you everything you need
with just one touch of my hand…
But I swore I would never fall in love
with a boy in a rock & roll band
***
Now, some of my best friends in this world (and a good majority of my acquaintances and phone book contacts) are musicians. Hell, my business partner is a music producer and I work with musicians every single day. The music industry can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to serious dating, musician = dealbreaker.
Obviously, I am writing in broad generalizations and using the most extreme examples. While 99.9% of musicians are guilty of most of the above, don’t bank on THIS one you’ve got your eye on to be in the 0.1 percentage of the population. He really probably isn’t.
If you insist on falling in love with a band dude or rapper or dreamy Chris Carrabba wannabe, I wish you all the luck in the world because it will not be easy. In fact, it will most likely be misery.
You essentially have to support him in all endeavors (even financially a lot of the time!), eradicate any semblance of jealousy from your emotions (impossible for women), and get used to being alone all the time and cheated on (sounds like fun!).
Most women don’t believe me until it’s too late and they make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
But take it from an admitted recovering former band guy junkie of seven years (I’ve been clean for seven months)–it is not worth it.
Getting over an obsession with hot musicians is simply a rite of passage in the journey to maturity.
Where do you stand?
47 responses so far ↓
1 CC // Jul 21, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I can wholeheartedly vouche for the truth in this. When our band, Blood Meat, goes on tour it is a veritable platter of sluts throwing themselves at us inbetween the times when we are perfecting our art. Bitches just don’t understand why our career comes first and how being “open” to possibilities is of the upmost importance. Sure. I might seem to be into one particular chick when I’m chillaxin at the crib, but that’s just part of the musicians charm. If we didn’t have the amazing ability to make everyone we come into contact with feel “special” then I won’t ever be successful. Now as the drummer of Blood Meat, I have a slightly different M.O. than Dee, our lead guitarist. That bitch literally has who-ures chasing after her downstairs mix up night and day. And when she plays her rendition of “Livin on a Prayer”, peoples clothes just fall off their body from the raw sexuality of it all. You can’t blame her for just giving the fans what they want now can you? Our lead singer, Silverbomb, also has his own charisma that can’t be matched. The mens love that piece of raw, gay-beef and he sings a mean “La Bomba” that by the end of the first verse there isn’t a dry pair of pants in the house. When you are in a band with such talent, passion and raw sexuality–how can you be expected to be faithful? Damn. I’d fuck us. And I regularly do. You can catch Blood Meat weekly at various venues around Chicago–mainly at our house. Quick access to a mattress there for the fans if you know what I’m sayin. And we will let you blow us if you buy a t-shirt but only if you promise to wear it during the act.
2 Scott // Jul 21, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I know at least 20 band or former band dudes that quit their bands because of their women, so I do not think the ‘they will always choose music over you’ is accurate at all.
The stereotypes you are portraying can be almost universely turned around to those types of girls who date musicians.
How would you feel being grouped into the groupie slut whore realm because you happened to date a musician before?
Your list appears to be a microcosm of society in general, not just musicans.
3 Charlotte Mutesha // Jul 21, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Scott- Eh. I gave the disclaimer that it’s not 100%. The majority is what we’re talking about here. And a lot of the time when guys quit bands it’s often because they’ve grown up enough to the point where it’s kind of pointless to be playing shows and not “making it” in the way that they initially desired. It takes years of perseverance, and sometimes you just have to call it quits (a good example of this is my girl Allie’s fiance Tommy).
I don’t agree about the stereotypes being universally applicable to Bandaids/groupies. What about 2, 3, 7, 8, 10, and 11? How does that apply to a woman who is addicted to musicians?
I HAVE BEEN grouped into the “groupie slut whore realm.” One of my best friends (a guy in a band…whom I did hook up with…) was one of the first people to call me that! And I’ve even been called that just because I’m a girl who simply goes to shows and is friends with musicians. That said, I openly admit my former addiction to band guys. That’s never been a secret.
I think the above can be applied not only to musicians, but bartenders and doormen. But definitely not society in general.
Musicians are a breed of their own…
…as evidenced by the very true, candid and poignant comment from Miz Carrianne Carallis of BLOODMEAT fame. They’re whores. Plain and simple, that band is one big sex fest of sluttiness and c’ing p’s.
4 Jaley // Jul 21, 2009 at 6:34 pm
“OMG I love the song you wrote me about how you were just FFN me until I broke it off, then you were intrigued and tried even harder to sleep with me *again* and I fell for it, *again* and then you wrote me this song and where are my panties?”
Sometimes, girls are equally as dumb as the guys who dupe them.
That being said, breaking the cycle is damn near impossible, even knowing and experiencing ALL of these points throughout my dating history. I guess the first step to recovery is admitting: I HAVE A PROBLEM. We try to warn each other but we don’t even practice what we preach. How many times did I say “NEVER AGAIN” to myself? At least 5 musicians ago!
I should probably just learn an instrument and join a band. If you can’t beat ‘em…
5 Brienna // Jul 21, 2009 at 10:15 pm
What about guys who aren’t in bands, but act like they are/should be?! Famous around campus, perhaps? Dated one of those and the list seemed eerily similar. Songs for a generic girl? Check. Scorned songs? Check. Cheating on your girlfriend? Check…maybe more than one check, but I digress…
delusions of being on stage are almost more pathetic than being a going-nowhere-local-band.
But I feel you on the “you’ll never come before the band.” I was around during the beginnings of a band. We had plans, but the band got their first gig. :/ It was bittersweet, but ultimately it ended because the band was more important.
Oh well. You live and learn. Date boys who like playing instruments; not ones who like playing sex gods.
6 DurtyDee // Jul 22, 2009 at 9:31 am
Let me pontificate to the accuracy of Ahh-Nee-Mahl’s statement: Bitches can’t get enough of my scrum-diddily-umcious. When I take to the stage, my mere presence sends a shudder through the loins of every woman in the crowd. After our drummer, Ahh-Nee-Mahl Murderface, take the stage, the sheer sexuality coursing through the crowd is damn near palpable. Seriously. You know how they say, “This room smells like sex”? Well, it’s true and we’ve found a way to harness that scent bottle that shit and now we sweeten our espresso with it every morning (sometimes we need a recharge after our orgies, you know how it goes). And let’s be serious for a second here: It’s no wonder I’ve got these hoo-ers chasing after my ass day and night. I’ve found that the tightness of your skinny jeans is directly proportional to the quantity of ass you get. Tighter Jeans = More Ladies. I’ve also recently discovered that if you wear not one, but two studded belts with your skin toight jeans, you literally have to beat women off with a stick; but it’s cool, because they in turn will beat you off, if you catch my drift. Furthermore, Ahh-Nee-Mahl wasn’t kidding when mentioning how “Livin’ on a Prayer” makes people jump their clothes ship and attempt to swab my deck. Next time you’re out with your buddies at a bar, and that song comes on, take a good look around. Ladies will start gyrating like it’s goin’ out of style, they’ll throw their hands up in a celebratory manner (tangent: Personally, I use this like I’m calling on someone in class. If a girl throws her arm up, it’s like she’s ready for some personal after school detention sessions with yours truly) and scream the song in an off key and overtly sexual manner. Personally, I’ve found (And Silverbomb can attest to this) that the more off key this song is sung, the more willing the singer is to let me use *my* key to *unlock* their treasure chest, ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’.
Oh, and uh, Jaley: I found your panties. I was wearing them as a hat while I was writing you that song. And thanks for letting BloodMeat be 3 of the 5 musicians! We love you! Thanks for coming to our show and doing guest vocals!
7 Jaley aka BLOODMEATS BANDAID // Jul 22, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Deelicious, Maybe I can come and collect those panties sometime wink wink… I’m looking to take you around back the elementary school and get you pregnant… again!
8 Aydin A // Jul 22, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I believe that your blog only looks at the issue from one side. You have to understand that musicians are emotional and sensitive people and they could also be the opposite should they choose to. However, when you aspire to get somewhere and work your ass off so much for it… everyone that you spend your time with should at least bring you positive encouragement… a true noble musician appreciates a person who stick by his side thru everything because in this business u meet the craziest wackiest the most psychoish people who either try to take advantage of your craft or waste your time and get you off track.
This is only partial response to your blog. I think you really have to talk to those couples and musicians who have a very healthy relationship and support and understand each other.
At the same time, being jaded is not necessarily a bad thing until the time when you are just a plain asshole… but you dont have to be a jaded musician to be an asshole… correct?
9 Tracy B // Jul 22, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I’ve learned that you may be the girlfriend but his music will always be the mistress. Fucking music…
10 13 Reasons Why it's YOUR Fault Your Relationship Sucks | mizchartreuse.com // Jul 22, 2009 at 8:32 pm
[...] 12 reasons why you should Never Date a Musician. [...]
11 tina carlino // Jul 23, 2009 at 12:08 am
i didnt even read this, but all i am going to say is “i agree.”
12 Charlotte Mutesha // Jul 23, 2009 at 1:12 am
READ IT YOU CRAZY GIRL!
13 Scott // Jul 24, 2009 at 1:56 am
As I stated before, I know 20 band guys who quit bands because of women. Not because they got old, not because they out grew it, because of women or their relationships. Some of the decisions were accurate, some were not.
I just think that everything you said, you can turn around to every single ‘class’ of people. It’s just all who you associate with. I mean, you can say this list applies to ANYONE who is trying to be successful in their career, minus anything relating to actual songwriting.
#1 can be applied to anyone. Period. I can say that about my dead alcholic mother. She wasn’t a musician. Same with number 2. A minor league baseball player still hanging on to the dream wants to continue living on buses for a shot at the ‘show, while the wife is at home wanting him to take that construction job her dad is offering. I can seriously go down the list and give you 200 examples PER RULE and show how it applies to other people, MALE AND FEMALE, but that would take way too long.
I know musicians, probably even more then you do. And I definitely feel more than 50 percent of them do not fit your list. In my opinion, you are only calling out the worst of the worst. Most musicians I know are some of the kindest, most soft spoken and honest people out there.
Maybe the list you created relates to the type of musician you have associated with or attracted to? I don’t know, but it just feels like blatant bashing of a class of people that doesn’t apply to a whole class of people.
I honestly disagree with 90 percent of what you wrote here. And in some ways, find it offensive being someone who is a musician that fits loosely in to a few of your stereotypes.
I still love you
14 Panda // Jul 25, 2009 at 1:24 pm
One reason. Musicians are douchbags, and they smell of smoke and metal. yes that’s right that is one great reason to not date a musician unless you like smoke and metal which i do.
15 Charlotte Mutesha // Jul 28, 2009 at 12:23 am
Brienna made a good point which might also substantiate Scott’s arguments: “date boys who like playing instruments; not ones that like to play sex gods.” There IS a difference!
Scott- you’re right. It is a broad generalization. It cannot be applied to every musical artist without fail. In fact, you are probably correct in saying that perhaps these 12 Reasons are relative only to the ones I have encountered.
I know you know musicians; surely a larger number than I do. However, the way I relate to musicians as a female/friend/girlfriend/friend with benefits is different than the relationships you have with other musician dudes as a male friend/colleague. And in my experience, it seems that
I still stand by the argument that the life of a musician is VERY different than the life of any “regular” working professional trying to climb the corporate ladder or start their own business or make it in the big leagues. Musicians are honestly a breed of their own, and while many of these situations can be applied to many different types of people, at the end of the day, it’s a lot different dating a band dude than it is to date, say, a writer.
I concede on some of your arguments, but I still think you’re overgeneralizing mine.
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17 Connectivity and music // Sep 18, 2009 at 4:50 am
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18 FormerGroupie // Nov 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm
This blog is RIGHT ON with every word! I am a recovering groupie. Been clean almost two months. The more famous the musician, the worse a broken heart. Assholes. I’m not looking back!
19 evan // Mar 17, 2010 at 10:01 am
“How many successful local bands from Chicago have ugly frontmen?” Umm… the Smashing Pumpkins??!
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21 thrashhead // Sep 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm
Of course it’s a generalization….but this blog tends to be a pretty realistic experience for those men and women who have dated musicians.
I’ve been involved with two musicians and I left the first guy (who is in two reasonably recognized metal bands) in part for some of the reasons listed above. Cheating played no part with Band Dude No. 1, but he was a workaholic who put all of his focus on his music — he never chose to take the time to be interested in my own career or life. His two mistresses were his respective bands and while he did love me, I was expected to take a back burner to his work. Which was hypocritical, when he wanted me to drop my life and hang out with him whenever he wasn’t on tour or working his regular job. Sorry, but I have my own creativity and interests as well.
Current band boyfriend is a wonderful man who works around both our schedules and doesn’t demand that I be waiting patiently like a puppy dog for his return from touring. I acknowledge that his music is his great passion but he makes the decision to share his life with me and also take an interest in my passions. He’s not as ambitious or type A as first band guy was, but he has a lot more heart and understanding and that’s what matters.
My first musician was a good guy who was in great bands and was phenomenal to behold — but there’s only so much emotional back burner behavior you should put up with. So even if they’re not the type to cheat or score drugs, proceed with caution…..
22 Jo // Sep 8, 2010 at 12:34 pm
OMG this is sooooo true. I”ve dated the stupid bad boys and Never wasting my time with them. All the care about it writing songs and having sex. Our “dates” would consist of driving around in a car listening to his songs, G-d forbid i said a word we would have to restart the song and listen to it all over again in silence. If we weren’t driving around we were sitting in his apartment doing the same exact thing. Usually all their songs are about intimate moments with other girls which gets really old and annoying fast. Their baggage ALWAYS lingers. Not to mention they would take more time flat ironing their hair, shopping for clothes and trying on more outfits than me and all my sorority sisters combined. They are a true narcissists. If you are a girl just looking for a fun time and no strings attached then this is the guy for you. If you are the relationship type seeking marriage or a long term BF, run as far as you can. These guys will not settle no matter how pretty, rich, and perfect you may be and if they do they are using you for something. They rather make love to their guitar or themselves.
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24 Tim Caughman // Oct 18, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I am a percussionist in a band. i am only 17 but we are starting to take off. I’m single right now but before, when I wasn’t, I wrote my girlfriend more than 20 songs. You obviously don’t see this from a musician’s perspective but the only reason nobody heard those songs is because they were embarrassing to me. The only reason her lst song is on any of our setlists is that I feel like that’s the one I can get her back with since SHE is the one who hurt me by cheating.
25 LyssaTakeABow // Feb 17, 2011 at 12:33 am
yes yes yes this post is spot on and i want you to be my friend! we need a friggin support group for this! and i think it is VERY important to point out as you did in comments that the way females interact with male musicians is incredibly different than the way their male friends and co-workers do. seriously, you have no idea guys. I was even considering writing a book about my experiences. Of course it doesn’t apply to everyone duh of course not. one of the reasons i want to write about my experiences is cause one guy from my absolute favorite life changing late teens/early 20s band is among the few people that gives me hope that there are decent people in the world while another guy whom i saw from the same darn band is the epitome of all the things you wrote here. still though i need to start staying away from musicians as a whole, for one thing i realized with band dudes is they’re spoiled because no matter what they have people that want to be around them and tell them how great they are without putting in any effort to be good to anything or anyone besides their music.
26 DONNA SCORN // Feb 25, 2011 at 5:02 am
Nearly in tears,I did a Google search and found this. He painted a pretty picture with words telling me how I would never hear about another girl, he would never hurt me, demoralize or make me feel subservient. A year and a half later I was talking to his ex-girlfriend and he was calling me stupid in the background. This is after talks of marriage and family life. I financed his life for that year and a half. I could put a bullet in his brain right now. He still tells me he “loves” me soooo much and we will be so happy together. I want revenge. I want him to write that song about me. I want it to be a hit. Every time he hears it, he will remember how he fucked up. He said fuck my love and put it on another man’s dick. So now that he is comfortable and he thinks I forgot about what he did to me, I will put my love all over another man’s dick…his bestfriend. Then I will invite him over so he can see it. 1st and last musician I will ever date/fall in love with.
Kudos BIGGREDDBULL
Char: I am truly sorry about what you went through with your musician man! Especially after financing his life and being there for so long. No one deserves that.
My blog, of course, was written tongue-in-cheek, and I know not all artists are like that, but when you DO encounter a scuzzy one? Dang, it’s the worst.
Sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way. Sometimes the hard way is the best way.
Wishing you peace! And thank you for your comment.
27 anonymous // Feb 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm
I am a female, the majority of my male friends are musicians, and this blog does not accurately describe any of them. They are honest, good hearted, hardworking people who vary in their desires for love and companionship in the same way that men and women in general vary about these same desires. Perhaps these impressions are only specific to certain music genres? Or perhaps the article overlooks a much broader range of musicians out there that aren’t as flashy or “rock star” about what they do… I don’t know, but I think true passion and dedication to the arts a beautiful quality to possess. As one who works very hard toward my goals, I would never want to be with a person who wasn’t equally dedicated to their own goals. I think the author may just have been hanging out in the wrong music scene.
Char: People coming at me with the “well, not ALL ______ do ______” can be irritating sometimes. I am fully aware of the fact that nobody can make sweeping generalizations about any group of people. Of COURSE not every musician is a scumbag. Of COURSE not every professional athlete cheats. I get it. And the musician friends I know and love are all wonderful people who don’t necessarily mean harm.
Thank you for the clarification on not ALL musicians being whores, Anonymous.
28 Jess // Mar 27, 2011 at 9:04 am
Any relationship where one person has an aspect of their lives that they almost completely exclude their partner from is trouble. Touring can be very like that. Its like the old school marital dynamic! Thats why infidelity was somewhat socially acceptable back in the day. I’m not excusing it but it is understandable.
I do agree that musicians tend to be very emotionally immature when it comes to their own lives. Just because they maybe articulate and creative doesn’t mean they can apply that to their own personal relationships. Girls forget that watching them perform.Don’t!
I’m a singer and female so its different for me I don’t have groupies and most of the people who hit on me tend to be my peers! So I’ve learned myself not to date musicians as its more detrimental for my career if there is heartbreak and I bruise the wrong ego. Yes, career is always number one and its wonderful to have that passion in my life, knowing I’m happy to drop everything for a chance to improve where I am.
Its not nice being broke all the time, playing shitty bars and awful covers to deaf drunkards. So I should think its understandable that you would have to jump at any chance to improve where you are. Creative arts isn’t necessarily a meritocracy. There are no regulated hours, no supervisors giving constant encouragement and guidance or the guarantee that all your hard work will be paid off. But when you end up playing one of those face melting gigs you’ll never want to do anything else.
If you don’t like it. Date a banker…oh wait they’re in the same position! Guess its tough all over…
Char: This entire comment is hilarious. Thank you!
29 thrashhead // Mar 28, 2011 at 3:25 pm
No, not all musicians are whores, or drug users, for that matter. I have known a number of women in bands, and they get the same attention that the men do.
I do think it’s fair to say that it is a lifestyle and not merely an occupation — Miz Chartreuse’s comment about eternal discontentment sums it up well. Most people can come home from their jobs and switch into their private lives. Both band members I was involved with (am still with the second one) were restless, workaholic, not ‘settled’ types; in my situation, my current boyfriend is far more understanding about my feelings than the previous one. They are searching for something that a traditional relationship, by its boundaries, generally fails to provide; and if you’re looking for the benefits of a traditional relationship, you likely will be disappointed.
But I’ll willingly admit, the creativity, coupled with the long hair, the tattoos, is an unbelievable turn on.
Char: I agree with everything you said. And THANK you for understanding and reinforcing the concept of making general statements and observations of a microcosm of a large group. Sheesh.
I like the concept of having something OTHER than a traditional relationship anyway! What’s so exciting about living how everyone else does? Granted, I’m currently dating a non-musician, but I’d like to say I (hope) our relationship isn’t typical.
30 Sandy // Jun 26, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Oh my goodness! This is spot on!
I’ve been clean for three weeks and let me tell you, it’s been so hard!
This last one made me feel like I was special and the most important thing in his life. I had to listen to the saccharin sweet songs, but I didn’t mind because they were so amazing at the time. You know, since they were about me.
His band starting getting more popular and he dropped me like I was nothing before touring the country.
For some reason, I thought going from a lead singer to a bassist (different bands, of course) would be different. Nope. Musicians are douchebags. Period.
31 Bailey // Jul 17, 2011 at 12:42 am
My boyfriend is in a band..ive been with him for a year and a half. He is the most innocent kindest person ive ever met…all the guys i use to date were jocks and all douchebags…my boyfriend now is awesome, we live together and he is on tour right now which sucks, and while I was reading you 12 reasons why you should never date a musician he didnt fit in any of them…but I noticed a lot of the guys in his band and the band he’s touring with do fit in most of those categories and their gfs are having a hard time dealing with not talking to them as much..
Char: Thanks for sharing your experience! As I’ve said countless times, I make no sweeping generalization claims that 100% of musicians fall into this category.
32 Bailey // Jul 17, 2011 at 12:45 am
whereas my boyfriend talks to me all the time…hes the first guy thats been in a band that ive dated..they are getting bigger but ive gone out of town with them and they like more of the underground scene…also their music is very hardcore/mellatic so a lot of girls arent drawn to that scene..its mostly guys who dig their music. So hes not all pretty boy, attention hungry
33 Missy // Jul 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I’ve couldn’t have said it better! Your 12 reasons are spot on. I’ve surrounded myself around the music scene since I was 14 years old (I’m 24 now) and I’ve dated nothing but musicians. Every single one of them have been selfish, delusional, had a drug or alcohol problem, and have had a huge sense of entitlement. For some reason, the musicians I have dated have all refused to drive a car! I’ve been stuck driving men around for years and I really need a change. Also, musicians tend to be selfish lovers. They want you to give and give and worship them in the bedroom, but they refuse to fulfill your needs. Musicians are all about ME WORSHIP. Seriously, I think I’m going to start a website for women to come share their stories about dating musicians. I’ve been reading about dating musicians for comfort because of the shitty situation I am in right now. I would love to hear more stories from other women on this subject.
Before I go I want to tell a short story: When I was 6 years old, I really started to get into Heavy Metal music. My father and mother are into heavy metal/hard rock so their music tastes rubbed off on me. One day I was watching VH-1 and Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood came (one of my favorite songs of all time) My father turned around, looked me dead in the eye and said “Sweet heart, don’t you ever a musician. You can dream all you want, but in real life men like that have no idea how to treat a lady. Go get yourself a country boy instead.”
You know what, sometimes parents know best. ADMIT TO IT. I know a lot of people don’t want to. Hell, my ex husband was a musician and he took a part of my soul that I can never get back.
Anyways, on a lighter note, I’m going to take my father’s advice and go snag me on of those country boy’s that KNOW WHAT A WOMAN WANTS AND NEEDS.
White female 24 years old looking for that average joe!
Char: Thanks for sharing your experiences! Funny how parents do know best, huh? It’s always nice to have support, and to know that there are many unifying themes and elements that come with the whole package. I never thought I’d break my addiction, but I honestly feel free! Looking back at some of the musician men with whom I’ve been involved, I realized the relationships were unhealthy because I put some of them on a pedestal. Pedestals lead to inbalances and power plays. We want equilibrium!
34 Terri // Aug 2, 2011 at 1:49 am
I just googled this topic and can’t believe what I am reading. I am currently dating a bass player in a metal band. We are both in our 40′s and my guy tells me this is his last chance to make it before he gives it up. I am very scared of what is going to happen. They seem to be going somewhere and a record deal is pending. I notice he does’nt call or text much when he is at practice or in the studio. It kills me. I don’t know what I will do if and when they go on tour. Maybe my guy will not be like what you described but he does love attention.
35 Thought I was alone // Sep 18, 2011 at 8:59 pm
I have dated three musicians in my life. The first one was my first love, and ultimately we parted after 4 years. His music always came first, despite how broke he was. I put myself through college and he wanted to play rock metal shows for a living.
The second guy was short lived, 3 months and then he cheated on me. He was a recovering alcoholic. Then he proceeded to stalk me for about a year after I broke up with him. Definitely fits in the sociopath category.
The third, well he was the most influential person in my life. We were together for just under 3 years. However in that time, I have put up with incredible shit: first 6 months were amazing and the best sex of my life. After that, things changed. He became broke, and moved in. He didn’t have a cell phone for a year and a half. He started using my cell phone like it was his own. When he was on tours, I had no way of getting ahold of him. Who knows what kind of stuff went on when I didn’t hear from him for days… He didn’t take me on dates, or get me birthday or Christmas gifts. He finally got work and became depressed because he was working in the back of a restaurant or at a retail store. Some fan girl became interested in him after seeing him at a show, and I found out that he was entertaining an emotional affair with her. I moved out of state to escape the madness that was our cohabitation and codependence, only to have him sell everything he owned to come live with me. Within 2 months, he cheated on me with another fan that had followed his old band for years. He lied to me about it, but I was smart enough to figure it out.
He got another job that he hated here, became depressed and drank to cover up his sadness about being a failed musician. Eventually ended up being violent with me. The list goes on.
One day it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I kept believing in him and having faith and looking past all of the shitty things and pain. But today, its just not worth it anymore.
He told me that even if he were rich and successful and we had a baby, he wouldn’t be happy if he wasn’t a performer. Its a disease people! I am a driven, successful and attractive woman in her mid twenties. I have endured and endured, and I am done enduring. I will never date a musician for the rest of my life. EVER!
36 Alexis // Sep 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm
My man was in a band that was about to get really big but quit before I met him and before we started to date . He realized that being a musician meant that he’d never be able to settle down. Before, I’d say I disagree with the fact that they’ll chose their passion over you. But recently, he’s made a new “friend” that “understands his music side” and has told him that she likes him…and knew we were dating. She’s some girl that “always dates musicians” and is exactly the groupie stereotype. Long story short, they usually can’t stay away from music if they do give up their dream and if they do, they aren’t happy and feel the need to confide in other people (especially groupies who love “listening” to their music). So either way, you have the same problems of dating a current or ex musician.
37 CK // Oct 7, 2011 at 11:57 pm
While I agree it’s not a good idea to date a musician, I think it’s a brilliant idea to hook up with them! See what I mean in my article on TOOTIT.com: http://tootit.com/2011/10/three-types-to-bring-home-just-not-to-mom/
Thanks!
38 Bert // Oct 18, 2011 at 10:50 am
This is bullshit. The bitch who wrote this got burned a couple times, and all of a sudden all “band guys” are the same? This is the biggest load of horse crap I have ever read.
Char: thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave your mark! Hit close to home, ey?
39 Claire // Oct 30, 2011 at 8:40 pm
The story of my life
Im 28 yo girl, and the 3 serious boyfriends I had in my life were all musicians who played in rock bands. But the last one got the cake… We met 5 years ago, I instantly fell for him, and he moved in with me in no time. And then, 4 months ago as if I was nothing he just left me for another girl (one of his fans). He is relatively successful and now one of his bands got nominated for the Grammys (new artist), just when everything started to work for him he left me alone and heartbroken. I curse the day I agreed to date him, I already knew he was bad news (locally known to be a heartbreak and a cocaine lover). Now Im 28 and dont know what to do with my life, we had plans together, were gonna get married, have kids…Now I wonder if it was actually “our” plan or just mine. His band was always in #1 place in his life. Damn you LEROY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You fucked me up
I hope to get over him soon and somehow fall in love with a non-musician this time.
40 Claire // Oct 30, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Ah by the way I want to share some things written here that are true. They are ALWAYS broke, they are super EGOCENTRIC and expect you to change your life for them. Since they have fans and other musicians worshiping them, they have this huge EGO, that can be attractive but in the end it doesn’t count at all. You will be always #2. Al least with this type of guys, Im not saying all of them are like that. But my guy was just like the blog description.
41 Lil // Nov 7, 2011 at 4:55 am
I have been wondering why some wives of famous musicians tweet about their husbands gigs and even their sons gigs instead of something that happened in their own life that day, something they thought or felt. I’m embarrassed for those women and even a little angry at them for submitting to this sad system. (and I wonder if they had daughters in bands would they be as supportive?)
I read that the writer from green day wrote a song about his wife for the first time in like ten years or something, and when asked if she appreciates it he said something like, “she should appreciate it, and she does”… uhh, excuse me?? Should? Why because she got a 3 minute song about his adoration of her that exists because of how much she supports him, not because of who she is? No way, I’d never give myself over to a guy like that. But who knows, she could be controlling and manipulative in her own way. Not to mention lazy or caught up in the scene. They’re big girls, if they wanted to leave they would I guess. It’s just sad that the men let the girlfriends let themselves come second.
42 Faye // Dec 14, 2011 at 12:06 am
Sounds to me like you’re bitter. Just because you dated one lying, cheating, junkie who could half way play an instrument doesn’t mean every musician is like that. In fact, there are plenty of guys just like that who work at your local super market. No need to generalize millions of people because you had one bad experience.
Char: Nope! EVERY last musician on the planet is exactly this mold. (Read for context.)
43 Gigi // Dec 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm
I googled the search term ‘dating a musician’ and came up with your blog post. Almost everything you said has been true for me about my time dating my ex-boyfriend of three and half months. He is a very successful music producer and pianist that travels all around the country with different singing artists. We actually knew each other from our college days and we reconnected 23 years later online.
He is 40 years old, never been married and no kids. His music career has probably kept him so busy to even consider settling down. Although, he said it a few times around me that he wants to get married, his behavior never really showed me he was ready to take things serious.
He was extremely flaky in calling back at certain times during our relationship. He would communicate mainly by text messaging. We both lived on opposite coasts and we only saw each other 3 times during our 3.5 month relationship. All 3 times, I was the one that had to go see him either at his hotel or meeting at the concert venue. Also all the visits were extremely late at night.
He never kept his promise in coming to visit me when he is NOT working a gig. He would constantly tease of us going away for a weekend but again nothing. Once when we argued about this, and his response was: “I can’t plan a trip ahead of time because I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity for a music gig if it comes up.” That was just so rude and hurtful to me. I knew I would always be second to him and his career.
I recently did some research on narcissism, he definitely has narcissistic personality traits. He lacked empathy at times, selfish and mainly talk about himself.
We broke up after a trip he took to South Africa. He didn’t contact me until 5 days after arriving to SA. I had been worried sick wondering if he had made it out there safely. The way I knew he had arrived ok was that I found him leaving messages for people on facebook but didn’t even bother to contact me!! Unbelievable. I wrote him a message playing dumb like I didn’t see this and he wrote me back saying he had been trying to contact me via Skype for days!!! It was not true because when I checked there were no messages there. He didn’t try hard enough to get a hold of me because if he really wanted to hear from me he would have found other ways to contact me to let me know he was ok like calling or emailing me.
I realized after all this that I needed to get out of the relationship. He is a selfish person and doesn’t consider the other person’s feelings. He is all about his music career.
Since the break up, he’s been stalking me over text messages but it’s all fake stuff. If he truly loves me like he used to say, he would have already bought a plane ticket to see me by now. He’s done nothing to make up for hurting me the way he has. All he seeks is attention…he’s all about getting his narcissistic supply.
His supply ran out with me. NO MORE LEFT!
Char: Sounds like you two were on completely different pages with regard to the nature and commitment of your relationship! Sometimes it takes compiling a list of unacceptable things to realize that which you’ve been in denial of for you to see the light. Most everyone has been through this one. Also, in the grand scheme of things, three months is a tiny blip in the infinity of your existence. Just another notch on the “life experiences/lessons” tally!
44 Lonely composer // Jan 3, 2012 at 5:27 am
Ha?
I’m a musician and I’m totally not like those things you wrote!
And not all musicians are in a band you know!
45 Benton // Jan 5, 2012 at 7:24 am
I was mostly just offended while reading. Not only are these generalizations entirely too broad, but they’re flat out rude. And ive read a few articles like this and havent been superpleased with any though I haven’t even written a song about how all writers are scum and only portray lies because I sont think youd write
46 Benton // Jan 5, 2012 at 7:27 am
If you didn’t partially believe it. But this is simply cold. Even now through writing it youve only further secured your views on the scum of us musicians. There are people youve described that have all sorts of hobbies. Why you picked musicians, I dont know. I do hope it scratched the itch you needed though.
47 Stormy Weather // Jan 29, 2012 at 7:54 pm
My sister kept falling for the alternative muso.
It used to make me angry that as a female musician, I’d get no help or support while I’d see all the deadbeat muso guys with women who do everything for them.
She’d be their personal chauffeur, their publicist, their no 1 fan, their jealous bodyguard. She’d work to fund them while they pursued their dream. It was really gross. She even started burning his CD’s to give to people.
All this while she knew how I was struggling to be taken seriously as a musician and was DIY, doing it all myself.
They weren’t even that good, they mostly played covers or imitated other singers. They had massive egos.
All her networking and contacts she’d hand over on a plate to her boyfriends. They always screwed around on her and slowly she gave up her own ambition for these men.
It’s not just musos though, it seems in any entertainment industry men get a better deal. Women will sacrifice everything for these guys. Whenever a woman becomes successful their boyfriends go and do the dirty on them because of their insecurity.
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