12 reasons why you should Never Date a Musician.
Last night, Sean and I watched Notorious, the biopic on the life and times of Christopher “Biggie Smalls” Wallace, aka the Notorious B.I.G.
I’m a hip-hop fan and have always loved Biggie’s music, but I must honestly say I knew pretty much nothing about his life other than his feud with Tupac and the East Coast/West Coast rivalry (I must say I’m a much bigger East Coast fan than the West [because people in LA suck]…but each has their merits). I had no idea about the Biggie, Lil’ Kim and Faith Evans love triangle.
Two of Biggie's ladies...
...and the actresses who portrayed them.
Now, who doesn’t know a thing or two about love triangles?
With one glance at the first page of my Facebook friends list, I can point out a good number of people who have all been involved with one another in one way or another, whether it was through official relationships, a simple scandalous hook up, or long-term booty calls.
All great revelations are whelped from bar napkins.
A year or so ago, my friend Jaley even created a “Love Polygon,” which was a figure connecting different people and their respective partners. Shared lines depicted non-platonic relationships and Xes depicted parties who did not physically hook up (even though they did, by proxy).
Like myself, Jaley was a serial bandaid (think Almost Famous) throughout her childhood and for most of her adult life. It’s a vicious cycle in which many teenage girls and women find themselves caught.
The Love Polygon was much like Alice’s chart from the Showtime series The L Word (but far less complex).
The lesbians get AROUND.
Facebook shows us that everybody KNOWS everybody and we’re all connected in six degrees or fewer. Essentially, in the same way, everybody has basically slept with everybody else.
By proxy.
Even if you’ve only slept with one person. And even if you’re a virgin. I promise you.
And the worst offenders of Miracle-Growing the branches of relations charts and love polygons are musicians. Band dudes. Hip-hop recording artists. Solo singers. Basically, musically-inclined people who have even a modicum of notoriety or exposure, even if they’re just a 19-year-old bassist for a local band.
They’re all whores.
And this is why you should never date a musician.
In Notorious, Biggie impregnated his girlfriend at the age of 17. He promised her, “I gotchu, girl.” He subsequently served months in prison for selling crack and obviously didn’t.
After his release while he was “with” his baby mama, he scoped a cute girl who walked past his street every day and finally asked her to lunch. In the next scene, she’s riding him in all her golden goddess naked glory. Lil’ Kim and Biggie ended up having a tumultuous love affair for months after that, and Biggie promoted her musicianship–as the biggest, baddest ho.
Then Biggie met Faith Evans and VERY quickly married her, much to Lil’ Kim’s chagrin. At Biggie and Faith’s wedding ceremony, he hesitated at the part of being faithful ’til death, but said it anyhow.
And cheated on her, and cheated on her, and cheated on her. With skanks in the studio, bitches backstage, and in hos in hotels.
Musicians don’t even have to try. I mean, I would do Gwen Stefani in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity, even if she was dumb as a box of rocks. Band boys have gaggles of girls who “love their music,” but really, the girls just like the boys because they’re cute. How many successful local bands from Chicago have ugly frontmen? (Remember, the operative word here is “successful.”)
I’m not passing judgment on musicians for being whores; it’s just a simple observation of fact. I can’t hate on them for sowing their seed because a lot of people from all walks of life do as well.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I may come off as brash, but I really don’t think many band dudes can argue with me on this one. There are always exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. I know, because 95% of the people I’ve ever been involved with in any capacity were band dudes. There’s something about the sweaty rock star on stage contorting his body and making love to his instrument as he makes thousands of young women swoon.
I’m glad to say I’ve recovered from that addiction.
**
12 reasons why you should Never Date A Musician
1. They only care about themselves.
Band guys are flakey, narcissistic, and selfish. Being adored by thousands does something unique to the ego; something not found in other types of people with varying levels of celebrity.
In high school, I was a show-going girl and loved local “indie” rock music. My first boyfriend played guitar and jammed with his pals occasionally. And like the stupid cheerleader, I would sit in his room with him and listen to him play crappy acoustic covers of Saves the Day ALL AFTERNOON LONG.
Why, dear Lord?
2. They want the opposite of what you want.
While you’re home, longing for the affection of your particular band man, he’s chasing the dream, traveling across the country in a cheeseburger-smelling van with three or four other sweaty dudes.
Honestly, touring is not all it’s cracked up to be. Girls want to tag along with bands when they’re on the road, but it’s the furthest opposite from glamorous (unless they’re traveling in personal chartered buses…but that’s a different level of musicianship).
Touring is literally hours of staring at long stretches of highway across the plains of the United States. Sure, there are fun landmarks in each state and you do meet some interesting people, but the majority of time is spent sitting in a van.
And if your man is telling you he can’t call or text you while he’s on tour–that’s bullshit because all there IS is time, until they reach the venue. Then there’s loading in, soundcheck, and the actual show…but there are 24 hours in a day.
3. They’re phony and manipulative.
The after-show hugs and exressions of gratitude are often just formalities. Teenage show-going girls will swoon over a simple hug when really the band guy is thinking, “Wow, you’re fat and gross, and your pink highlights look awful…but you’ll buy my t-shirt and a CD, so here goes…”
Not gonna lie, I totally capitalized on such things when hawking merch for my friends in bands. “Isn’t he cute?” I’d ask the 14-year-old. “I’ll introduce you to the singer if you buy this CD!” Worked every time.
4. You will blindly interpret their flaws as positive characteristics.
Everybody has their faults and vices, but when a musician is chemically imbalanced, aloof and/or fucked up, the loving girl will see that as an endearing virtue, rather than just seeing that he’s just really not that into you when it’s loud and clear.
Even if he writes the most beautiful, sensual songs you’ve EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE and is an OMG MUSICAL GENIUS, he still can be a sociopath lacking consideration.
5. They will almost always choose their music careers over you.
I promise, again.
The ultimate goal of any musician is to “make it.” Whether it’s popular commercial success or worldwide touring on an independent label, musicians want to be able to make a living doing what they love.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But this is where the problem lies: The band is always first in their lives. You can have plans that were made months in advance, but if he gets an opportunity to play a huge show or attend a record label party, forget your plans! Band practice, promoting and marketing all take priority over you.
Think you’re in a loving relationship with your budding rock star boyfriend? I know from experience that girlfriends REALLY don’t matter to guys on tour. Even the most upstanding gentleman has at least a little potential to scope girls in new cities and hook up with them in any degree. And his fellow bandmates will look you in the eye later, and NEVER tell you.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but don’t commit to your girl back home if you have hos in different area codes.
This is why I enjoy dating a writer with a great day job. If he wants to spend three hours composing a blog at night, I can’t be mad at him because that’s what I do.
6. They are eternally discontent.
Being a musician involves incessant agonizing. It takes dedication to constantly come up with new ideas. They will toil over melodies and harmonies for hours. To work their way up, they have to play crappy show after crappy show, which is especially depressing in the beginning.
I once got so caught up in a particular musician boyfriend’s malcontentedness with his life that even I started busting my ass for his career because it seemed he would NEVER be happy. I booked him a show and I promoted it around town. I emailed booking agents and tried to find artists for collaboration or bands to trade shows.
No.
7. The success they long for is the same thing that will ultimately destroy your relationship.
And then they still always want more.
Getting signed to a powerful label and having a bunch of new responsibilities as a recording artist changes a musician’s life. If you’re dating or hooking up with a flaky musician, the positive part of him getting a deal is that he will leave you alone and vanish into the atmosphere.
8. They write songs for/about you.
Sounds cute, right? NOT.
Oftentimes it’s not until you’ve broken up with him for being a self-obsessed douchebag, but you’ll inevitably, at some point, get a song.
If your relationship is good, you may end up having a song written about you and how great your love is, and it might even get recorded on a CD or played on the local radio station! Awesome, right? No, because once you break up (which you WILL), you’ll end up being haunted by such song. Even worse is if it becomes a worldwide phenomenal single. Gross.
If the dude can play guitar and REALLY REALLY wants you, he may write a song in attempts to earn your undying love. Then you’ll be forced to tell him how much you love it (even if it sucks [which it probably does]). Also, some of the things they declare in said song may not necessarily be about you, specifically…it could be a re-write of the same lame song they wrote about the last girl they were obsessed with.
Then of course there is the song about the scorned musician–the painful lyrical interpretation of the relationship’s failure. And oftentimes, you’ll be the one in the wrong (even though the band guy is generally the bad guy).
9. They will sleep with you…then sleep with your best friend (or enemy) while your sweat is still on their body.
But in that moment, they’ll make you feel like you’re the most important thing in their world. But they’ll leave your apartment at 4 a.m. and don’t want to hang out with you in broad daylight. You will inevitably end up confused, when in actuality he really never gave you an inkling of indication that he wanted to be yours and only yours.
10. They are perpetually broke.
Unless they have a “real” job or something to do on the side or while they’re not on tour, any accessible musician probably doesn’t have any money.
But the worst type of accessible musician is the kid whose parents bought his entire rig (and the recording studio equipment, and the band’s van and trailer, and maybe even gear for his bandmates). He has no semblance of responsibility or value of expensive, precious instruments that most musicians have to save and budget for. Likewise, he will not value you. Stay far far away.
11. You have to deal with their psychotic fans.
Band girlfriends who go to shows don’t have friends, and people who attend shows that aren’t friends of the band are, generally speaking, insane.
It may look like it on the outside, but at the core, if a fan is trying to be your friend, it’s simply because she wants to get closer to the band. In face, she probably wants YOUR man and is simply keeping the enemy (you) closer. And trust you me, once you and your band dude break up, your great friendships with the band’s fans will cease and desist.
12. You will become addicted.
Like crack. Or Pringles, or painkiller pharmaceuticals…you can’t stop ’til you get enough. And your addiction will never be satiated until you just get tired of the cycle and have to quit cold turkey.
**
The Pierces’ super cute song “Boy in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Band” emotes very well the inexplanable attraction we have toward musicians.
Why do I adore you? We’ve only just met…
I feel I would do anything for you,
but baby, sometimes I forget.
I could give you everything you need
with just one touch of my hand…
But I swore I would never fall in love
with a boy in a rock & roll band
***
Now, some of my best friends in this world (and a good majority of my acquaintances and phone book contacts) are musicians. Hell, my business partner is a music producer and I work with musicians every single day. The music industry can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to serious dating, musician = dealbreaker.
Obviously, I am writing in broad generalizations and using the most extreme examples. While 99.9% of musicians are guilty of most of the above, don’t bank on THIS one you’ve got your eye on to be in the 0.1 percentage of the population. He really probably isn’t.
If you insist on falling in love with a band dude or rapper or dreamy Chris Carrabba wannabe, I wish you all the luck in the world because it will not be easy. In fact, it will most likely be misery.
You essentially have to support him in all endeavors (even financially a lot of the time!), eradicate any semblance of jealousy from your emotions (impossible for women), and get used to being alone all the time and cheated on (sounds like fun!).
Most women don’t believe me until it’s too late and they make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
But take it from an admitted recovering former band guy junkie of seven years (I’ve been clean for seven months)–it is not worth it.
Getting over an obsession with hot musicians is simply a rite of passage in the journey to maturity.
Where do you stand?
Tags: dramz, movies, music, relationships, singing
I can wholeheartedly vouche for the truth in this. When our band, Blood Meat, goes on tour it is a veritable platter of sluts throwing themselves at us inbetween the times when we are perfecting our art. Bitches just don’t understand why our career comes first and how being “open” to possibilities is of the upmost importance. Sure. I might seem to be into one particular chick when I’m chillaxin at the crib, but that’s just part of the musicians charm. If we didn’t have the amazing ability to make everyone we come into contact with feel “special” then I won’t ever be successful. Now as the drummer of Blood Meat, I have a slightly different M.O. than Dee, our lead guitarist. That bitch literally has who-ures chasing after her downstairs mix up night and day. And when she plays her rendition of “Livin on a Prayer”, peoples clothes just fall off their body from the raw sexuality of it all. You can’t blame her for just giving the fans what they want now can you? Our lead singer, Silverbomb, also has his own charisma that can’t be matched. The mens love that piece of raw, gay-beef and he sings a mean “La Bomba” that by the end of the first verse there isn’t a dry pair of pants in the house. When you are in a band with such talent, passion and raw sexuality–how can you be expected to be faithful? Damn. I’d fuck us. And I regularly do. You can catch Blood Meat weekly at various venues around Chicago–mainly at our house. Quick access to a mattress there for the fans if you know what I’m sayin. And we will let you blow us if you buy a t-shirt but only if you promise to wear it during the act.
I know at least 20 band or former band dudes that quit their bands because of their women, so I do not think the ‘they will always choose music over you’ is accurate at all.
The stereotypes you are portraying can be almost universely turned around to those types of girls who date musicians.
How would you feel being grouped into the groupie slut whore realm because you happened to date a musician before?
Your list appears to be a microcosm of society in general, not just musicans.
Scott- Eh. I gave the disclaimer that it’s not 100%. The majority is what we’re talking about here. And a lot of the time when guys quit bands it’s often because they’ve grown up enough to the point where it’s kind of pointless to be playing shows and not “making it” in the way that they initially desired. It takes years of perseverance, and sometimes you just have to call it quits (a good example of this is my girl Allie’s fiance Tommy).
I don’t agree about the stereotypes being universally applicable to Bandaids/groupies. What about 2, 3, 7, 8, 10, and 11? How does that apply to a woman who is addicted to musicians?
I HAVE BEEN grouped into the “groupie slut whore realm.” One of my best friends (a guy in a band…whom I did hook up with…) was one of the first people to call me that! And I’ve even been called that just because I’m a girl who simply goes to shows and is friends with musicians. That said, I openly admit my former addiction to band guys. That’s never been a secret.
I think the above can be applied not only to musicians, but bartenders and doormen. But definitely not society in general.
Musicians are a breed of their own…
…as evidenced by the very true, candid and poignant comment from Miz Carrianne Carallis of BLOODMEAT fame. They’re whores. Plain and simple, that band is one big sex fest of sluttiness and c’ing p’s.
“OMG I love the song you wrote me about how you were just FFN me until I broke it off, then you were intrigued and tried even harder to sleep with me *again* and I fell for it, *again* and then you wrote me this song and where are my panties?”
Sometimes, girls are equally as dumb as the guys who dupe them.
That being said, breaking the cycle is damn near impossible, even knowing and experiencing ALL of these points throughout my dating history. I guess the first step to recovery is admitting: I HAVE A PROBLEM. We try to warn each other but we don’t even practice what we preach. How many times did I say “NEVER AGAIN” to myself? At least 5 musicians ago!
I should probably just learn an instrument and join a band. If you can’t beat ‘em…
What about guys who aren’t in bands, but act like they are/should be?! Famous around campus, perhaps? Dated one of those and the list seemed eerily similar. Songs for a generic girl? Check. Scorned songs? Check. Cheating on your girlfriend? Check…maybe more than one check, but I digress…
delusions of being on stage are almost more pathetic than being a going-nowhere-local-band.
But I feel you on the “you’ll never come before the band.” I was around during the beginnings of a band. We had plans, but the band got their first gig. :/ It was bittersweet, but ultimately it ended because the band was more important.
Oh well. You live and learn. Date boys who like playing instruments; not ones who like playing sex gods.
Let me pontificate to the accuracy of Ahh-Nee-Mahl’s statement: Bitches can’t get enough of my scrum-diddily-umcious. When I take to the stage, my mere presence sends a shudder through the loins of every woman in the crowd. After our drummer, Ahh-Nee-Mahl Murderface, take the stage, the sheer sexuality coursing through the crowd is damn near palpable. Seriously. You know how they say, “This room smells like sex”? Well, it’s true and we’ve found a way to harness that scent bottle that shit and now we sweeten our espresso with it every morning (sometimes we need a recharge after our orgies, you know how it goes). And let’s be serious for a second here: It’s no wonder I’ve got these hoo-ers chasing after my ass day and night. I’ve found that the tightness of your skinny jeans is directly proportional to the quantity of ass you get. Tighter Jeans = More Ladies. I’ve also recently discovered that if you wear not one, but two studded belts with your skin toight jeans, you literally have to beat women off with a stick; but it’s cool, because they in turn will beat you off, if you catch my drift. Furthermore, Ahh-Nee-Mahl wasn’t kidding when mentioning how “Livin’ on a Prayer” makes people jump their clothes ship and attempt to swab my deck. Next time you’re out with your buddies at a bar, and that song comes on, take a good look around. Ladies will start gyrating like it’s goin’ out of style, they’ll throw their hands up in a celebratory manner (tangent: Personally, I use this like I’m calling on someone in class. If a girl throws her arm up, it’s like she’s ready for some personal after school detention sessions with yours truly) and scream the song in an off key and overtly sexual manner. Personally, I’ve found (And Silverbomb can attest to this) that the more off key this song is sung, the more willing the singer is to let me use *my* key to *unlock* their treasure chest, ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’.
Oh, and uh, Jaley: I found your panties. I was wearing them as a hat while I was writing you that song. And thanks for letting BloodMeat be 3 of the 5 musicians! We love you! Thanks for coming to our show and doing guest vocals!
Deelicious, Maybe I can come and collect those panties sometime wink wink… I’m looking to take you around back the elementary school and get you pregnant… again!
I believe that your blog only looks at the issue from one side. You have to understand that musicians are emotional and sensitive people and they could also be the opposite should they choose to. However, when you aspire to get somewhere and work your ass off so much for it… everyone that you spend your time with should at least bring you positive encouragement… a true noble musician appreciates a person who stick by his side thru everything because in this business u meet the craziest wackiest the most psychoish people who either try to take advantage of your craft or waste your time and get you off track.
This is only partial response to your blog. I think you really have to talk to those couples and musicians who have a very healthy relationship and support and understand each other.
At the same time, being jaded is not necessarily a bad thing until the time when you are just a plain asshole… but you dont have to be a jaded musician to be an asshole… correct?
I’ve learned that you may be the girlfriend but his music will always be the mistress. Fucking music…
[...] 12 reasons why you should Never Date a Musician. [...]
i didnt even read this, but all i am going to say is “i agree.”
READ IT YOU CRAZY GIRL!
As I stated before, I know 20 band guys who quit bands because of women. Not because they got old, not because they out grew it, because of women or their relationships. Some of the decisions were accurate, some were not.
I just think that everything you said, you can turn around to every single ‘class’ of people. It’s just all who you associate with. I mean, you can say this list applies to ANYONE who is trying to be successful in their career, minus anything relating to actual songwriting.
#1 can be applied to anyone. Period. I can say that about my dead alcholic mother. She wasn’t a musician. Same with number 2. A minor league baseball player still hanging on to the dream wants to continue living on buses for a shot at the ‘show, while the wife is at home wanting him to take that construction job her dad is offering. I can seriously go down the list and give you 200 examples PER RULE and show how it applies to other people, MALE AND FEMALE, but that would take way too long.
I know musicians, probably even more then you do. And I definitely feel more than 50 percent of them do not fit your list. In my opinion, you are only calling out the worst of the worst. Most musicians I know are some of the kindest, most soft spoken and honest people out there.
Maybe the list you created relates to the type of musician you have associated with or attracted to? I don’t know, but it just feels like blatant bashing of a class of people that doesn’t apply to a whole class of people.
I honestly disagree with 90 percent of what you wrote here. And in some ways, find it offensive being someone who is a musician that fits loosely in to a few of your stereotypes.
I still love you
One reason. Musicians are douchbags, and they smell of smoke and metal. yes that’s right that is one great reason to not date a musician unless you like smoke and metal which i do.
Brienna made a good point which might also substantiate Scott’s arguments: “date boys who like playing instruments; not ones that like to play sex gods.” There IS a difference!
Scott- you’re right. It is a broad generalization. It cannot be applied to every musical artist without fail. In fact, you are probably correct in saying that perhaps these 12 Reasons are relative only to the ones I have encountered.
I know you know musicians; surely a larger number than I do. However, the way I relate to musicians as a female/friend/girlfriend/friend with benefits is different than the relationships you have with other musician dudes as a male friend/colleague. And in my experience, it seems that
I still stand by the argument that the life of a musician is VERY different than the life of any “regular” working professional trying to climb the corporate ladder or start their own business or make it in the big leagues. Musicians are honestly a breed of their own, and while many of these situations can be applied to many different types of people, at the end of the day, it’s a lot different dating a band dude than it is to date, say, a writer.
I concede on some of your arguments, but I still think you’re overgeneralizing mine.
[...] bouquet of dead puppies These interesting search terms led to my blogs calling out women for dating musicians and allowing themselves to be in a dysfunctional or unfulfilling relationship. Other people [...]
[...] date a musician”, even MORE hits come up. Here is a list of 12 reasons why you should never date a musician. “He loves his amp more” was another page that interested me. My [...]
This blog is RIGHT ON with every word! I am a recovering groupie. Been clean almost two months. The more famous the musician, the worse a broken heart. Assholes. I’m not looking back!
“How many successful local bands from Chicago have ugly frontmen?” Umm… the Smashing Pumpkins??!
Hey there!
My band just recorded our own full song!!!
Check it out, we’ve learnt a lot from your blog!
xxx
[...] balked. As I’ve said before, I’m not really enamored by celebrities/athletes, nor do I want to immerse myself in another [...]