mizChartreuse || redefiningSuccess

If you’re in a bad relationship it’s your own damn fault.

Too often, I notice women (and men, of course…but I’m speaking from the female perspective here) putting up with stupid shit and sub-par treatment when it comes to the men they date. As always, I write from experience and have done my fair share of putting up with losers and stretching relationships out WAY past their expiration date.

I’ve lived with a guy who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (and is a Gemini–BIG MISTAKE). I dated someone who was in a constant state of depression but failed to DO anything about it, subsequently pulling me down in the process.

I’m not claiming to be without blame, because I can be a crazy, irresponsible, selfish, hard-to-get-along-with bitch at times, and I take responsibility in knowing that it takes two to tango. But a lot of the time, it boils down to me putting up with bullshit–unemotional, abusive, stingy, boring, closed-off assholes.

And it was my fault.

We all have the stories, and they’re not pretty. And that’s what dating and being young is all about–living and learning through the dumb experiences you put yourself through.

Without further ado, here are Thirteen Reasons it’s Your Fault Your Relationship Sucks.

1. You have no self-respect.

Men will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  And if you don’t care, then why should they?

This morning, my friend called me to tell me that things were through between she and the guy she had been seeing for literally a week. Things were beautiful in the beginning–he was attentive, affectionate and caring–introducing her to his friends, telling her she was beautiful, taking her out for cocktails and covering the tab–all things a man should do when first courting a woman.

They went out last night and as soon as they walked into the bar, he accused her of checking out the “other brothers” in the place. Then he let her pay for three rounds of drinks. Later, back at her place, he started berating her for being drunk–but not simple teasing…YELLING.

Uh…they had been out GETTING DRINKS.

Earlier in the night, she’d told him straight up: “I am here with YOU and it’s obvious–our arms are around one another; we’re kissing! I’m not the type of person to disrespect the person I’m with by flirting with other people, and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of such things.” She also let him know that she was disappointed that he didn’t shell out the cash for her $6 vodka cocktail on their second date. Of course men don’t have to pay for things all day every day; but when you’re first trying to win a woman’s heart, TAKE CARE OF HER.

He couldn’t handle the fact that she was forthright and honest with him, and she ended things.

She handled it spectacularly, but other women would succumb to his temper and let the man talk to her however he felt. Sorry, sir, but on the second date, it’s a little too early to be raising your voice in that manner.

Good riddance.

Men will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but only if you demand it and only if you respect yourself enough to speak up when something is not right.

2. You’re lying to yourself.

Oftentimes, women see something that is not there. A guy shows a modicum of interest, and you interpret that as him thinking, “OMG he loves me and we’re gonna get married.” Just so you know, that way of thinking makes men run for the hills…and it’s also very likely that he just wants to bump uglies with you.

If you’re dating a guy and he says he’s “not ready for a relationship,” he’s lying.

He’s not ready for a relationship WITH YOU. In fact, if he’s saying that to your face, he probably NEVER WILL BE.

How many times have you heard these lines? “I’m afraid of commitment/I just got out of a relationship/I’m really busy and don’t have the time.”

It’s all bullshit. Because a man will say that to you to spare your feelings, then enter into a relationship with another woman the next day. A man who is into a woman will want to snatch her fine ass up before some other guy comes and scoops her up. If he wants you and thinks you’re super fly, he will not let you go and will make it VERY clear from the get go. Puh-lain and simple.

3. You get too serious too soon.

You know the feeling: becoming insanely infatuated with another human being shortly after meeting them. Your emotional attachment is so strong, you do anything you can to keep them around–and that includes turning into a psychotic woman.

“So…what ARE we?” you ask, on the third date. The man hears nothing you say after that; he just sees this scrolling marquee in his mind: “good God; I don’t even know her middle name and she’s about to propose.”

Whether they admit it or not, men like to do the pursuing. They want to feel that they’ve won a valuable prize after hard work, wining and dining, and wooing; not that a poisonous leech has attached itself to his soul and he’s stuck with it.

It’s the law of scarcity: people want what they can’t have because it adds perceived value. We women feel this very strongly when a man is standoffish, aloof, and keeps his distance.

Instead, why not let HIM initiate the relationship discussion? I don’t care if you’re spending every day with him and “acting” like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. The moment YOU ask for a declaration of officiation of the relationship nation, he will run in the opposite direction.

4. You give it all up right away.

Dummy.

You will NEVER win a man’s heart by giving him your body first. Let him work for it; or else you’re just a cow with free milk. All he had to do was reach over for his cell phone and send you a text at 2 in the morning, at which point you WILL drop everything and drive across state lines in the middle of a blizzard when your brakes are shot and your tires are bald.

Because you’re a dumb bitch.

5. You ignore the Red Flags.

Once you get that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind that says, “maybe I shouldn’t be pursuing this,” you should CUT IT OUT immediately. We’re not born with instincts for nothing, people.

I once dated the Biggest Idiot in the World, and he was really fat to boot. His daddy issues and being teased as a child turned him into a steroid addict with major insecurities and control problems as an adult.

The second WEEK we were merely TALKING, he got spitting mad to the point of yelling and crying when I told him I wanted to hang out with my friend Mike that Friday. As he bellowed into his phone, I looked down at mine in confusion: “Is this seriously happening or am I being punked?”

But I ignored it!

He would go on sporadic rages, breaking ironing boards and throwing Kleenex boxes around the room; punching holes in the walls of his condo and yelling at me like a rabid beast: “You’re MAKING ME ANGRY!”

Um, nobody makes anyone feel anything. You’re upset because your father doesn’t love you and now you’re taking it out on me because I don’t want to listen to you cry.

When I subsequently dumped his ass, cashed a check he wrote me, and took a vacation on the week of my birthday, he emailed my entire MySpace friends list (and my mother) to tell them that I was a gold-digging skank who was ungrateful for all the dinners he bought me. Really? You want a cookie for buying me dinner?

p.s: my mom TOLD HIM OFF.

6. You ignore their hypocrisy.

Senior year of high school, my best friend Jessie and I wanted to drink on prom night. Our friend Julio had promised us earlier in the day that he’d be able to get us mini bottles of vodka that we could sneak into the dance.

At the Cotillion banquet hall, I excused myself from my party and Jessie and I went out to the parking lot to try and score some booze from Julio–only to meet him and find out he couldn’t get any (damn being underage and making promises!). So we returned to the hall and tried to find our dates. Mine had disappeared, so I had fun and danced with my friends.

Much later, my weenie of a boyfriend appeared, told me he was pissed that I wanted to drink at prom, phoned his parents to tell them he was on the way home, saying, “Oh, I’ll explain when I get there. You’ll understand,” and left.

Meh.

I went back to dance with MY friends and had a blast, while he went home, raided his parents’ liquor cabinet, and drank himself into a stupor and emailed me about how horrible of a person I am.

Wow.

I proceeded to date him for a whole ‘nother month before dumping his ass. He sent me long, crying emails about how much he loved me and we were meant to be together, then when he realized it was over, I was suddenly “the biggest bitch ever” and was “going to end up in jail” because I occassionally smoked pot out of tin foil out my friend’s bedroom window while her parents slept downstairs.

He went on to become a pothead.

Gay in the mouth.

7. You give ultimatums and don’t follow through.

Ultimatums are the worst way to deal with relationship problems, because half the time, you don’t even mean it.

“Seriously, Boo. If you hit me/cheat on me/lie to me ONE MORE TIME, it’s over!”

Then he kicks your ass, screws your best friend, and deletes his text message inbox the next day.

And you take him back because he cried about how sorry he was and that it was a mistake and THIS time he’ll really really never do it again. And you “love him.” You “really really love him and when he’s good, he’s SO good, and almost always, he treats me like a princess.”

Newsflash!!! Almost doesn’t count except in horseshoes and hand grenades.

AND, you’re an idiot and I hope you get your ass beat again.

Because your word means nothing. And he knows that, and takes advantage of it because you let him. Forget three strikes; it really should only take one.

8. He’s a Capricorn.

If you’re not a Gemini, skip this one.

I have a policy (one that I don’t have to worry about adhering to any longer because I love love love my Cancer man).

And that is, NO CAPRICORN MEN EVER.

They are the coldest people in the world. My friend Sanjay is a testiment to that.

I’m halfway joking because I’m sure there is maybe one good Capricorn male in the world (maybe)…but in all seriousness, Capricorn, Gemini and Pisces males are the worst match for someone like me, a Gemini female. Capricorns are too closed-off, detached, depressed, and workaholicky for me. Geminis are crazy as it is, and for me to date another one of them would only mean chaos with our 428 combined personalities clashing. And Pisces males are too sensitive and cry too much, and I’m a sarcastic and mean bitch.

9. You give too much.

Women are intrinsically givers. We’re nuturing by nature. But listen: You can’t solve all your man’s problems.

If he’s depressed because his new musical project isn’t taking off, don’t make it your life’s mission to be his PR agent and manager. (You have bigger problems, though, because you’re dating a musician. Fail.) If he’s broke, don’t tell him, “It’s okay, I’ll pay for everything and take care of you.”

You don’t have to give your guy a new expensive gift every time you meet. It’s unnecessary to try and “fix” his life–this leads to him feeling insecure and inadequate–and you come off VERY controlling. You’re not his mom. On top of that, the relationship will become lopsided and you’ll feel like you’re not getting enough in return.

Guys feel more love for you the more they give to you. Let simply being with you be a gift.

FAIL.

10. You act like a teenybopper fangirl child when you’re 26.

Even though you might think Dave Grohl and/or Johnny Depp is God’s gift to women, your man does not want to hear about it. What if he went on and on about how hot Rihanna and/or Angelina Jolie is? We all know these people are sexy, but you’d feel inferior, insecure, and an overwhelming sense of “WTF.”

It leads men to believe that you have maturity problems and lead an empty life if Joe Jonas is your only source of happiness. This isn’t to say that every other person in the world ceases to be sexy once you’re in a relationship, but save the drooling for your girlfriends.

That’s what I do when it comes to Zac Hanson. Sean ain’t tryin’ to hear that. Not that he feels inferior to the MMMBop Golden Gods, but you know what I’m sayin.’

11. You criticize, nag, and complain.

Instead of focusing on the negative and bitching about what your guy DOESN’T do, why not take the positive approach and appreciate your man for all he DOES do?

Remember: men are like dogs and they need to be trained. Pavlov proved that positive reinforcement works way better than punishment. When you open your mouth to bitch about something he didn’t do, AGAIN you sound like his mother telling him to clean his room. And what guy wants to screw their mother?

You catch more bees with honey.

12. You try to be something you’re not.

Really, there’s no point.

When you meet someone who has good relationship potential, don’t put up a front. Sure, I have my alter egos and tell people my name is Claudia or Ana Lisa when I’m at a bar, but I’m not trying to bag a man.

If you act like you’re a well-to-do, super outgoing woman, you better be. Because after about three months, your facade will fade, the curtains will close on the act, and the REAL you will surface. “You’re not the girl I fell in love with!” He’ll realize. “You’re actually REALLY REALLY BORING! And you have dissociative personality disorder! I’m out!”

It happens. Just be yourself and if someone doesn’t love you for you, it’s not meant to be.

13. You think you can change him.

He'll always have that damn blue-black dye job.

People don’t change; no matter how amazingly awesome you may be, nobody will change for you. If you’re with someone, you have to accept that you’re with the person they are, flaws, chemical imbalances, and all.

“I can only marry a good Christian man. He’s an athiest, but if I force him to go to church with me, God’ll speak to him.”

“He’s bipolar and refuses to medicate, but if he sees how much his mood swings hurt me, he’ll realize he has to do something.”

“He dresses in a plain black t-shirt and jeans EVERY single day, and it’s SO BORING. But I’m a fashionista and if I buy him trendy clothes from H&M, he’ll wear them because he loves me.”

Hello, and welcome to Delusionville! Population: You.

***

This is a long list and by no means comprehensive–but I can say that I’ve learned all these things by experience. No longer do I put up with shit. No longer do I try to fix people’s problems. And just so you know–if you fuck with me, I will FUCK your shit up. Whether it be selling all your shit on ebay, cashing a check you wrote me but asked me to give back because you’re insane, or calling the police to tell them that you sell weed out of your home. Don’t mess.

At the end of the day, if your relationship sucks, you’re confused about a man, or you feel in dating limbo–it’s your fault. Take responsibility for your life, set your standards and don’t budge, and eventually somebody will come around who is worthy and willing to go the distance.

Stop playing the victim and stop making excuses.