Ladies…we are SO full of crap.
You know how it goes.
You carry one of those GIANT OVERSIZED bags…and it ends up FILLED WITH CRAP.
You carry one of those convenient, little purses…and it ends up FILLED WITH CRAP.
You use one of those cute wallets with the snap clasp…and it ends up FILLED WITH CRAP (mainly receipts).
I try to switch my purses and clean them out on the regular, but am constantly astonished by how much junk accumulates in my purse during any given week. Or even a day. We women need a lot of THINGS with us at all times. Probably not as much as we ultimately end up hauling around, but there are always a good dozen or so necessities.
Take this L.A.M.B. purse, for example. It’s your cute, classic, average-sized purse.
And look what happened when I dumped it out after both an eyeshadow and my mineral makeup opened and covered the contents.
What’s in the L.A.M.B. bag?
1. Chartreuse clasp wallet (clearly bulging from coins and receipts)
2. Chicago parking ticket
3. A no-babies pill pack
4. Moleskine notebook and pens
5. Victoria’s Secret The Body Mist
6. Compact w/mirror
7. Flash drive
8. Random VISA gift card
9. Camel smokes that I probably got for free at a bar
10. United Center ID and nametag
11. Hand sanitizer
12. Half-eaten fruit and nuts trailmix granola bar
13. Business cards (mine, bokeen’s, some random comedians’)
14. Mamba chewy candies
15. Blush brush, eyeshadow and shadow brush, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, chapstick, KISS liquid foundation, L’Oreal mineral foundation, Maybelline mineral blush, cheap CoverGirl blush
16. A tampon
17. Mini lotion bottle (likely stolen from a hotel on the East Coast)
18. Paper clips?!
Um….it’s kind of totally ridiculous.
****
Carrianne’s small evening clutch explodes at Holiday Club
When do people probably lose their phones and wallets most? At bars. CC lucked out because a lot of people love her: she was surrounded by scores of friends her birthday night, and her pretty evening clutch remained safe (and even photographed next to the bouquet of roses I gave to her [she's my #1 girl crush]).
This demonstrates how even little purses end up bloated to the brim:
Spew! With a rosey accent.
1. Flat wallet
2. Biz cards
3. Gum
4. Lip gloss
5. Marlboro menthols and a book of matches
6. Mace
7. Camera
8. Assorted cars
9. Vaseline
It seems like a lot of stuff, but isn’t most of it truly necessary?
***
Denise’s Epic Mom Purse
“Charlotte, I took a few pics and honestly before I agreed to this, I should have checked my purse first,” Denise told me via Facebook. Her purse content submission is the epitome of insane baggage. I told her it was perfect. ”Just don’t throw me under the bus.” Me? Never!
Denise's Dumped Bag: View 1
In addition to all the endless receipts, beauty products, and other random items that women like Carrianne and myself tote around, Denise’s bag is also inundated with things that come along with children: diapers, barrettes for her beautiful two-year-old baby girl, a toy bus.
Then she spread out its contents.
Um. I guess when you have a large bag, you can carry around full-sized lotion bottles.
Ho-lee. Shit.
***
True, not ALL women haul around pounds of baggage on the daily. Said my friend Emily today: “Dude, I never carry lots of stuff in my purse!!!!”
But she’s one of the rare exceptions.
Fashionable, practical, and smaller than your wallet.
Brienna weighed in on Purse Phenomena. “Ugh. My purse becomes a haven for receipts and change,” she told me. “But I’m always happy when it unexpectedly rains in Chicago and I can pull out my purse-sized umbrella that is always in there.” DING DING DING! Big purses are GREAT for umbrellas, especially living in this fickle midwest.
“My umbrella’s usually in my bag too,” Carrianne said. “That has come in handy more times than I can count. I can even get it into my clutch. Amazing.”
***
From the everyday grey to the sassy evening handbag:
The dreaded transfer
Of course we ladies have our everyday bags, but sometimes a night out calls for purse/outift coordination. The night we were heading out for CC’s birthday, I had to frantically switch bags, making the quick decision of which items to keep and which to toss.
Beautiful disaster.
You can bet that my dayplanner and reporter’s notebook (which I’d used earlier that night at work for the Beyonce concert at United Center) didn’t make the cut.
Things like tampons obviously aren’t an everyday need, but it’s always good to have one or two handy in case you’re out with a girl who may need one. I certainly didn’t take ALL those pens. Nor could I imagine myself using my flash drive or the bra pad from a bikini top whilst cavorting at Holiday Club.
p.s.: That was a FUN night.
***
Carrianne’s 15-pounder
I'm pretty sure her shoulders are misaligned.
“Hey–At least we’re always prepared,” she said. “You never know what you will need.” Indeed.
This iPhone snapshot also demonstrates how ALL THE CRAP we haul around IS, indeed, necessary for everyday living. But it also demonstrates that magically, Carrianne is able to fit EVERYTHING from her big bag into her evening clutch. Most of the items are the same! But somehow, she made it happen. I jest, of course, because CC didn’t have the DOUCHEBAG ALERT citation pad in her clutch on her bday celebration night.
She should have given one to this guy:
Oh, those July 16th-born characters...
TOLD you it was a fun night.
***
I usually end up carrying a lot of THAT GUY’S stuff with me. Sunglasses, camera, smuggled bottles of Miller Lite… I’m not complaining, but dudes can carry manbags too! It eases the pressure on women who already overload themselves as it is!
I asked my Facebook dudes to weigh in. Hey, guys–do YOU carry a manbag?” I status updated. “Aren’t they convenient? Or are you afraid of being called gay? Jack Bauer carries one sometimes and you’d never call HIM gay.”
No. You wouldn't. Because Jack would kill you.
“I do carry a manbag,” Mike R. told me, “and people call me gay.” Well, to be honest, I’m sure people are calling Mike gay for more than that reason. He’s a good-looking guy. People hate. Hell, even I hate on him sometimes.
“I carry a manbag also known as a satchel,” my friend Brad explained. “It’s far too convenient for me to worry about being called gay.”
Satchels can be great!
Chatting with CC earlier tonight about dudes’n'bags, she said, “I know a ton of guys that carry a manbag now too. They recognize the usefulness of having a way to transport all the stuff they need.” I mentioned how Sean used to carry a nice, practical, not-too-big, over-the-shoulder messenger bag a la Jack Bauer. “I think it can be sexy. Unless of course it’s a stupid Jansport backpack and you’re over the age of 20.”
She raised a GREAT point that I have discussed countless times.
If you’re not in high school, lose the backpack. Seriously. It’s funny–my friend Markus did comment about this fashion faux pas on my FB status: ”I used to backpack it. I do wear a manbag when I’m handing out CDs…but it’s not stylish enough to use all the time. And by the way, nobody called me gay.”
Thank God he ditched the backpack. In his mid-thirties, the Acceptable Ship has sailed for him.
***
So…what should or shouldn’t you have in your bag?
A full-sized bottle of hand lotion is okay, but you should probably leave the social security card/birth certificate (who really does that?!), your ONLY set of keys (what happens if your purse gets stolen at the grocery store? How do you drive to/get in your home?), your checkbook (does anybody really write checks anymore, what with online banking and debit cards?), and too much cash.
It IS, however, good to have things like emergency contact numbers, notebooks (my mini Moleskines ALWAYS come in handy), and your roadside assistance card (locked out? How are you gonna call for help if your AAA card’s in the glovebox of your car? Do you have the ID number memorized?).
I’ll admit it. Perhaps I don’t need to take with me EVERY cosmetic item I used in preparing for going out. There’s really no reason for me to hold on to receipts (I have a drawer stuffed FULL of every receipt I’ve…received…this year). Parking tickets, half-eaten granola bars, six shades of lipgloss…probably not essential.
But at least I know I have everything I need in the event of…whatever.
12 responses so far ↓
1 cassie // Jul 31, 2009 at 12:25 pm
charlotte!! this is great! i totally understand where youre coming from with a man carrying his own bag so that we dont have to overload our ALREADY crammed purses with their junk. However, i honestly don’t think i would stop to talk to a man who was carrying one though.
2 CC // Jul 31, 2009 at 12:38 pm
LMAO. You know what’s more amazing? My purse looks like that every time I go out and I have NEVER lost a single thing (knock on wood). I just casually leave it sitting open everywhere and either by some small miracle or because people are more honest than we think, I make it home will everything I came with. The only thing irritating about carrying around so much stuff? It takes ten minutes to find my damn lighter. I’ve actually thought about getting one of those lanyards and attaching it to the handle to make it easier to find.
Also–men with stylish bags *are* sexy. Have you never seen a well-put-together man walking down the street with his messenger bag? He looks like he’s ready for anything and I like to think that also translates to his level of organization…and we all know how I love nothing more than that!
3 Charlotte Mutesha // Jul 31, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Cass- What if it was a stylish, sexy bag? I wouldn’t write them off initially. I made fun of my boyfriend for carrying one for a minute, but in reality I totally dug it.
CC- Lighters! The damn lighters! And my cell phone is usually in my hand, but nothing’s more annoying than fumbling fumbling fumbling for a ringing phone. Or keys. I need to get one of those key clip things that hang on the inside.
4 Denise // Jul 31, 2009 at 1:02 pm
OH Sweet Jesus!!!!!! This is hilarious!
5 Shanda // Jul 31, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Its such a habit to put soooo much stuff in my purse and for it all to add up. I try to clean it out one a week or while I’m sitting bored at work. Majority of the items I don’t and won’t use daily, but they are all “just in case” because when you don’t have them, you wish you had put them in your purse “just in case”.
I have shoulder pain from time to time. And my mom blames it all on my shoulder bag, which I stopped using a couple of weeks ago. However, I was using it for a good 6mths straight (mainly during the week).
Better a 15lb bag than to be without.
6 Adreinne // Jul 31, 2009 at 2:15 pm
And now I feel kinda dull….
7 Charlotte Mutesha // Jul 31, 2009 at 2:27 pm
“Better a 15lb bag than to be without” sums it up perfectly. Until we start developing scoliosis, I think we’ll be okay carrying the world on our shoulders.
Adrienne- are you like my friend Emily who has basically nothing in her bag?
8 Shak // Jul 31, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I’m the first guy to comment on this post, which makes me feel kinda gay…
HA! J/K
– Honestly, I usually don’t need to carry one around. For the most part, I’m pretty low maintenance. Generally all I need is my wallet, my cell phone, and a pack of gum. However, sometimes I carry sunglasses around, but I usually just strap those on my shirt somewhere or strap them on my pocket. Usually not that big a deal.
However, the only time I am carrying a manbag around is when I’m working. In that case, I have my laptop, power cord, mouse pad, optical mouse, and my iPod w/headphones. I’m generally more comfortable working from home, but my creative juices flow better when every now and then I escape my environment. So…….yeah.
I definitely don’t need one everywhere I go, though. Just when I’m working.
9 Shak // Jul 31, 2009 at 6:06 pm
And Jack Bauer can do whatever he wants
10 mizterChartreuse // Aug 3, 2009 at 1:53 am
Messenger bags are lame. I carry all of my shit around in a plastic grocery bag from Jewels and it works fine for me.
If I run out of room, I put all of my material possessions into a neon pink fanny pack. Because pink is the new black.
11 Saraaaa // Aug 3, 2009 at 10:32 am
hahaa plastic grocery bag from jewels. haha. ok i should have contributed because i am like the queen of mary-poppins style cramed in random crap in my purse. it’s sick actually. and then lets not even go to my car…my purse on wheels.
12 Charlotte Mutesha // Aug 3, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Shakeel- I’m getting you a manbag for Christmas! No, actually I understand the whole traveling with a computer and all your design/techy stuff.
Saraaaa- I will do an update in the future and may need your submission. You car IS your purse on wheels! But considering your Honda Fit is about the size of most of Mary Kate Olsen’s purses, it’s okay.
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