mizChartreuse!

For the past many many years, my friends Natalie, Sara and myself have gone to as many Hanson shows as possible on their cross-country  tours, driving as much as five hours to see them.

There was one particular tour where we went to TWO shows back to back here in Chicago at the House of Blues–and ALSO went to a show in Joliet, IL. Then there was Milwaukee, Madison, and Green Bay, WI…AND St. Louis, MO…AND Sara and Nat went to their show in Detroit, MI. I’m probably mixing up or combining multiple tours, but you get my drift. We’re pretty hardcore.

As girls who fell in love with the golden-haired gods back in May of 1997, we have remained fans throughout the years, still purchasing their records, watching their documentaries, going to their shows, supporting their causes. I’m sure that I will continue to appreciate their music well until I’m a senior citizen, because they’ve been such an integral part of my life since I was a child, and done plenty of positive things that many other musical artists have not.

We were talking about Africa and Zac was video recording our conversation.

I will always love this band, and Natalie, Sara and I have our traditions.

THAT SAID, I’m reconsidering following Hanson around the midwest this fall.

This is because Hanson fans (hereafter referred to as Fansons) SUCK.

They ruin the experience for me. They’re all obsessive and crazy and gross and straight up LOSERS with fuzzy ponytails and bad fashion sense. When we’re hanging out around a venue, waiting in line for hours (which is my LEAST favorite thing to do), I find myself feeling intense, increasing hatred toward the dumb, DUMB girls.

My first concert when I was a sophomore in high school was a Hanson show at the Chicago Theatre. I made a glittery t-shirt with puff paint and the Hanson logo. But that’s excuseable because I was 13 years old, and 13-year-old girls are retarded.

Hanson fans TODAY, in their late teens and twenties, will STILL make incredibly lame shirts. Puff paints. Screen prints of the Middle of Nowhere records. Shirts that say “Fanson 4-Ever!!” It’s preposterous and immature, and I feel a lot less cool just by being in close proximity to the darn fools.

***

The cool thing about Hanson, which many people aren’t aware of, is the fact that they have taken up a greater cause in regard to their music. Their last record, The Walk, was partially recorded with a children’s choir in South Africa, and their first single, “The Great Divide,” was put on iTunes with all the proceeds going to supply life-saving vaccines to African children (which cost 17 cents per dose. SEVENTEEN CENTS to save a life).

In addition, before each show for the last three years, they meet with the fans a few hours before showtime and take a one-mile walk, BAREFOOT, around the city/venue. The purpose of this is to raise awareness about not only AIDS in Africa, but the fact that there are millions of people there who cannot afford a mere pair of shoes.

We took The Walk.

The first walk that we participated in, I had recently returned from my monthlong trip around the continent of Africa and talked with Taylor and Zac about it. It was very cool to be so up close and personal with these kids that I had once watched on Oprah in the 90s. Having an opportunity to share my experiences in Africa and relating to something about which we both are passionate. But beyond that, I really have nothing to talk to them about on these walks, unless I made up another story about being in Africa, which would be lame.

Hanson teamed up with a company called TOMS Shoes, which donates a pair of shoes to a child in Africa for each pair that they sell. The last time Hanson went to Africa they visited South Africa and took over 100,000 pairs of shoes on the feet of children there–mainly purchased by Hanson fans across the world.

***

So, the Hanson guys are awesome.

Their fans, indubitably, ARE NOT.

Now, the walks are often fun, even though they’re hectic and a little insane, complete with police escorts as 500 people cross streets at once. It’s quite a sight to see. The brothers will spread out throughout the crowd of hundreds of girls; Taylor usually leading the route in front with his megaphone, Zac in the middle, and Isaac heading up the rear.

And the starstruck girls will scramble, run, push, and trip over one another in order to be  close to one of the guys (usually Taylor). It’s fast-paced, the majority of us are barefoot, and it’s just a sweaty mess of squealy girls whispering “OMG, Taylor’s SOOO beautiful!” accented by a million flashbulbs constantly going off.

It’s a mind-altering experience, I tell ya. If I were a Hanson, I’d go nuts.

***

So while we’re waiting in line for hours in order to get closer spots in the General Admission area of the venue, I’m sitting with my friends and fuming about HOW RETARDED some girls are.

You may be asking yourself, “How can you talk such shit about Hanson fans when you are one yourself?”

Work it, girls.

It’s because we’re different. We’re not any of the aforementioned psychos. We love their music and of course think the guys are beautiful, but we’re not gonna beat up and take down other fans just to get front row or to walk next to Taylor. I don’t have their autographs (nor do I want them). I got over my obsession with musicians and abandoned my childhood dream of marrying Zac long ago, especially now since all of the brothers are off the market and have multiple children of their own.

Either way, I’m kind of tired of being a part of the madness time and time again on these walks.

I must say that once the curtain falls and the music begins, the live performances are amazing and all the rage I previously felt toward the imbeciles surrounding me melts away. The music makes the ridiculous experience worth it…but I don’t know if I can subject myself to it, multiple times, and still feel good about myself as a person.

I’ll probably go to their Chicago shows, and MAYBE a show in Wisconsin. I think I’ll be able to stand doing ONE walk, but beyond that, I prefer to stay out of jail for assaulting a teenie in an old t-shirt that was signed by the brothers back in 2001.

***

I will always love Hanson and their music. Natalie, Sara and I will continue to go to their shows and have fun supporting the cause, but as far as participating in the collective madness time and time again, I’ll take a pass. It’s time to grow up and distance myself a little more from the young’ns.