mizChartreuse!

Would you lick BBQ sauce off this dude?

Fox’s newest summer reality program, “Fat Chicks Crying” “More to Love,” continued with episode 3 last night. As we did last week, Chicago blogger bokeen and I continued the conversation and commentary on the preposterous show we lovingly refer to as “The Fatchelor.”

mizChartreuse: “Tell me about his body! I want to know every detail of every crevice of every muscle,” Kristian blathered to the other women who had been a part of the pool party group date. “I wanna pour barbecue sauce all over his body and eat him up like a pork chop!”

Muscle?

PORK chop?!

EASY on the Sweet Baby Ray's, Killah K.

As you may remember from last week, Kristian is The Psycho One, the one who believes that Luke is The Perfect Man, the One Whom Her Mother Will Love, and the Prince She Can See Herself With Forever and Ever. She made these determinations after spending less than half an hour of personal time with him. And as you can see from the aforementioned quote, she is also Clinically Insane.

Come on, Kristian. When you’re on a dating show about big people, must you give the audience a visual of a 300-pound, condiment-covered man? You may as well shove an apple in his mouth. Actually, she’d be better off shoving an apple in HER mouth, if only to shut her up.

***

bokeen: Kristian’s behavior continues to be absolutely stunning.  If Luke doesn’t select her as “Best in Show,” I am certain that she will dramatically attempt suicide after leaving the show.  However, her attempt will inevitably fail, as a simple kitchen knife or razor blade will be inadequate to penetrate the thick layer of rubbery skin that covers her wrists.  She will resort to more heavy duty cutting implements, only to discover that her sausage-sized fingers are too large to operate a circular saw.

She will be dejected and withdrawn, unable to function on a day-to-day basis.  She will refuse to shower, eat or go to work.  However, I fear not for Kristian’s health, for at 225 pounds, her body could sustain itself for six years on blubber alone.

Fox claims that she is a teacher, but I find the notion utterly incomprehensible. No self-respecting educator would conduct herself in the matter that Kristian does, working herself up into a sweaty lather at the mere mention of Luke’s name or his glorious titties.

“I’m going to prom with Luke,” she giddily proclaimed when Luke announced that he was taking the group to a faux-prom group date.  Like most of the contentants, she conveniently neglected the fact that she would be one of Luke’s 12 dates to prom, as if he were a Saudi prince.

***

mizChartreuse: Kristian is undeniably pathetic. When I asked my Tweeps “Who SAYS that?” in regard to her porkchop statement, the replies were humorous:

@neenerspb: Fat people on More to Love, that’s who!
@DurtyDee: Fat girls. She probably thinks he IS a porkchop. Haha
@tylerconium: someone who really likes pork chops evidently. Which reminds me, I’m gonna go eat the shit outta some pork chops

I thought she was cute at first, but her attitude is incredibly unbecoming.

You know what else is unbecoming? Blatant desperation.

Lauren is one girl who has a pretense of confidence (she DID assist in sending home The Cougar), but it’s only at the expense of others and being completely bitchy.

And this is precisely why she’ll be around for quite some time. At one point during the show, Lauren told Luke, point-blank, “I know what we have is REAL. And I’m NOT just saying that.”

Um…so if it’s Real and you’re #NotJustSayin, then why do you have to SAY IT? If it’s Real, then he KNOWS it’s Real! And it’s probably NOT Real because you feel the need to TELL him!

***

bokeen: In the promos for this week’s show, Fox promised a “big surprise” that would stun the herd of contestants.  The wholly unsatisfying plot turn was revealed less than 20 minutes into the show.  Two of Luke’s closest friends chatted with the contestants and selected the prom queen, who was granted a one-on-one date with the colossal bachelor.

The cameo of the two friends added little to the show, as they both appeared to have as much personality as a five-gallon bucket of Sheetrock, much like their chum Luke.

"heh heh...I'd tap that."

Chase is a portly white fellow with poor grooming habits, as evidenced by the absurd beardlike growth hanging from his chin.  In the brief meet-and-greet montage, the dapper young fellow wielded a chalice full of draft beer, proudly showcasing his affinity for the finer things in life.

Sam is a brother who clearly doesn’t have much to say; he uttered no more than five syllables during his four minutes of camera time.  Sam is most memorable for his 1990s fashion sensibilities, as the cartilage of his left ear is pierced.  I am certain that the suit the suit he wore was manufactured by Cross Colours, and I would not be surprised to learn that he was sporting a Hypercolor tie.

Inexplicably, Luke’s friends selected Danielle as the lucky prom queen.  The other contestants responded with catty chagrin, as Danielle had quickly become one of the most despised sows in the opulent barn that everyone insists on referring to as a “mansion.”  In addition, she is as feminine as Clint Eastwood’s testicles, ensuring a lustful and romantic evening for Luke.

***

mizChartreuse: It came as a shock when the Fatchelor’s dull friends voted Danielle prom queen (which only serves to further prove how dumb and useless Luke and his cow-grilling posse are). Even Luke was taken aback: “I was surprised my friends chose Danielle, because she’s not on the top of my list right now,” Luke said before his date. DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!

First it was meat sticks, now it's big, brown...

You want to root for the girls, but on their date, Danielle made a fool of herself by talking THE ENTIRE TIME. There were numerous gratuitous shots of her chowing down on the fatty delectables offered during dinner. The producers even went as far as to give Danielle a GIANT CHOCOLATE-COVERED BANANA DIPPED IN NUTS to eat. And she was STILL TALKING while she was shoving the big brown phallus dessert down her throat. It was simultaneously repulsive and hilarious.

And THEN, Luke took Dainty Danielle on a boat ride.

“You know, that’s just mean to take a big girl on a boat,” my roommate Rachel, who was watching with me, remarked as Luke led her by the hand to the dock.

Even though Danielle definitely ruined all her chances by acting a hot mess during dinner, she drove the final nail into the coffin by spilling her guts to Luke while on the boat, and…TELLING HIM THAT SHE’S A VIRGIN.

If only that boat had an eject button. You could cut the awkwardness with a knife. “So, that restaurant was so pretty,” ButterBoy tried to make conversation. It was the first time we see Luke vehemently disinterested in a girl! Verrrry interesting…

Women: do NOT disclose such personal information on a first date.

Ever.

And try to refrain from sloppily choking down chocolate-covered bananas, popsicles, churros, or anything long, thin and cylindrical on a first date. And if you must, do it with grace and don’t use your teeth. Lookin’ like Danielle will only get you the boot.

Click here for part II of our Fatchelor Review at bokeen’s blog