mizChartreuse || redefiningSuccess

I thought it was the end of the world this morning. At approximately 6:40 a.m., I was awoken by what I thought (in my sleep-induced brain functioning) was the apocalypse.

It was actually two REALLY LOUD blasts from a horn of a vehicle, one I can only assume was a GIANT MONSTER TRUCK. For a machine to make a noise that loud, it would have to be huge.

The thought also crossed my mind that Jesus had returned and it was the sound of heavenly trumpets blasting, but I would hope he would come back to earth with a sound a little more appealing than that. I’m a good person; why would he want to scare the daylights out of me?

Clearly, my perception is WAY OFF first thing in the morning. Jesus isn’t gonna come back with trumpets and angels; come on. He’ll return to work secretly at an indie video store like he did on that one episode of Family Guy.

I got out of bed to use the bathroom and do the things normal people do BEFORE they go to sleep, like take out my contacts, wash off my eye makeup from the night before, and put on a Biore clear pore strip.

As I walked around the cold, dark, quiet apartment, smoking a cigarette and waiting for the pore strip to turn into papier-mache, I pondered such things as what the greatest songs in the world are.

What an epic music video.

I came up with this preliminary list, in no particular order: Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home,” Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy is Mine,” Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise” of COURSE, and “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men. I also shared my findings with my Facebook family via Status Update from my BlackBerry Pearl.

“I’ll Make Love to You” became a hit single the year I was in probably third grade. I remember getting on the bus full of elementary school kids; radio tuned to B96, which at the time played pretty much nothing but dance music and Boyz II Men. When “IMLTY” would come on, all the wild kids would stop and come together as a mighty children’s choir, singing every word. “Throw your clothes on the floor! I’m gonna take my clothes off too…”

There was something inherently wrong with kids aged six to twelve making such declarations.

Anyway, as I paced back and forth this morning reliving my childhood, I wondered: It’s 6:45 a.m. and I’m standing here thinking about songs from the 90s and before…

What the HELL do people do at 6:30 in the morning?

I’ve NEVER been one to wake up early.

Even as a child, I would sleep in every day during the summer, and during the school year, mornings were torturous. Despite our hatred for all things before 7:30 a.m., getting me and my little sister to go to sleep was an impossible task.

“We have to brush our teeth!” We’d tell our mother, who would stand in the doorway of the bathroom, dozing off herself, while Chloe and I put our toothbrushes under the faucet and sucked out the water because “we’re thirsty!” too. For 15-25 minutes.

Subsequently, the following morning was like some sort of civil war in the house. My mom would knock on the door a couple times, and each time we’d lay in our bunk beds for “five more minutes” shouting “yes, I’m UP!” and going back to sleep. Half an hour later, she’d come in, guns a-blazing, screaming like a banshee that the bus was coming in 3.5 minutes.

Mornings in the Tanner house.

Even though it was my fault, I was bitter toward my mother. Why couldn’t she be more like Danny Tanner, whose method of child wakening undoubtedly included gently knocking on DJ and Stephanie’s bedroom when they were running late?

For some reason though, it was no problem waking up at the crack of dawn to watch Saturday morning cartoons. But church on Sunday? Oh hell, to the no. That was more like World Wars III and IV.

Moving forward, most of my jobs have been in bars and restaurants, and freelance writing gigs where an 8:30 a.m. call time is out of the question. When I worked at Sam Ash and had to be there at 10, my commute from the city made it impossible for me to be on time on a daily basis (although I have my reasons for being late to everything…that’s another story).

People who are early risers are a bit on the self-righteous side. If someone calls me at 10 a.m.: “Hey Char–sorry, I hope this isn’t too early for you, but—”

David Sedaris agrees with me. Writes the author in his book When You are Engulfed in Flames:

…the tap dries out at the exact moment I roll out of bed, which is usually between 10:00 and 10:30. For me this is early, but for Hugh and most of our neighbors it’s something closer to midday. What they do at 6:00 a.m. is anyone’s guess. I only know that they’re incredibly self-righteous about it and talk about the dawn as if it’s a personal reward, bestowed on account of their great virtue.

Indeed.

So no, I don’t get the appeal in waking up with the sun. I could do the things I do during the actual day (which for me, involved getting out of bed somewhere between 9 and 10:30, depending on how much I want to watch Oprah and/or The View).

I could wash last night’s dishes, but why would I wake up early for that? I could watch the morning news shows like Today or Good Morning America, but that’s not really my bag. I could browse what’s new on Facebook, but apart from my foreign friends and family living in Europe and Africa and Australia, nothing interesting’s happening. Or, I could just go back to bed, get an hour or so more of sleep, and get on with my day later when I’m more alert and less bitchy. I’m much more functional during late night hours.

My solution: I’m gonna go read When You Are Engulfed in Flames ’til I (a) fall back asleep, (b) get restless enough to start my day, or (c) The Rapture actually occurs. David would understand.

**

How many people do you think he crushed with that giant cross?