A funny thing happened last night at work as I was standing near the front of the house: I realized just how much of my personal life my coworkers and bosses know about me. I was gossiping about guys and relationships with two hostesses, Lisette and Reema. Reema was talking about a guy she had dated for years, saying she believed he was gay for a number of reasons.
“Oh yeah?” I piped in. “Well, I’m pretty sure a boy I was dating a year ago is gay. Everything about him, from his looks to his mannerisms, points in that direction. I didn’t believe it while I was with him, but in retrospect, I really think he’s in denial. ”
…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Kathy, a woman with whom I’ve worked for years, looked up from her paperwork and leaned into the conversation. “Who are you talking about, Char?” she asked. “Which ex of yours is gay?” After years of working with Kathy, who has two sons my age, she knows all the ins and outs of my dramatic relationship experiences since I was 20 years old.
“Oh you know,” I replied nonchalantly. “I’m talking about ********, The boy I was crying about that one day last year.” Kathy and the other girls cracked up. Because they remembered that day. They remembered it well.
“Hey, you’re totally over that, right?” Ben, my assistant manager, who happened to be standing nearby, walked up and asked. “I remember that day!” We all laughed. Indeed, there had been one day of work where I had been a hot mess.
“You’re so funny, Charlotte,” Kathy said. “You literally had just one bad day and you were all reset and good to go.” Everyone agreed.
“That’s the Gemini in her,” Lisette, a fellow May baby, explained to everyone. “All it takes is one day and then BOOM. We’re back in the action.”
Damn straight. I love my job and the fact that as time passes, we all GET each other.
******
Last night, I re-watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a poignant film to which most everyone can relate in one way or another. The film tells the story of two lovers whom, upon their first breakup, both undergo a deliberate memory cleanse by a medical company called Lacuna, Inc. The non-surgical procedure erases all memories and triggers of the other–effectively wiping out any recollection of their past love. The woman, Clementine, had the procedure done first, and upon learning what she did, her former lover Joel decided to as well.
The film takes place mostly in Joel’s mind; in his subconscious as the Lacuna technicians erase all traces of Clementine from his brain. As the procedure is happening, however, Joel re-lives many of his pleasant memories with Clementine and doesn’t want to have her erased. A good chunk of the film is spent with Joel and Clementine running from the mind-erasers, unsuccessfully. In the end, before the last Clementine memory is erased, she tells Joel (in his head) to meet her in Montauk, and the two start over afresh, giving their relationship another try.
******
The back jacket of the Eternal Sunshine DVD reads: “An all-star ensemble cast shines in this comical and poignant look at breakups, breakdowns and breakthroughs.” Indeed, that is the process people go through in their dating lives. The cycle is true.
Breakups: Each relationship I’ve been in has differed greatly from the others, as have the nature of every breakup. For some, it was a feeling of “GOOD RIDDANCE, you stingy Jewfaced borderline personality bastard.” For others, it was “STOP STALKING ME, you white-eyebrowed, psychotic freak with daddy issues.” There was also the “Well, the time had come,” “That’s sad, but it’s about right,” and of course, “Your parents SUCK.”
Breakdowns: The sad feeling of emptiness that often comes after losing someone to whom you were once close. There’s the reading old emails and texts, looking at photos, sleeping with an article of clothing. It’s a sort of denial stage as well.
Last night when my manager asked me, “So what were you so sad about that one day?” I honestly couldn’t answer. I clearly remember the emotions of that time period, but it was a breakup that I knew was a long time coming. As in, I knew it was doomed for FOUR months and we dated for six total. Bad.
Ben continued, “I mean, there are 6 billion people on the planet, and let’s just say it’s half men and half women. So anyone who breaks up with one person needs to realize that there are 2,999,999,999 other potential mates out there.”
Touche. I explained to him that I got it; I understood it and am currently in a fantastic relationship with a wonderful man—a relationship that would not be possible if I hadn’t gone through the muck and mire of boyfriends past.
Breakthroughs: Regardless of the nature, with each relationship that has ended for me, I had to take some time to scale back, zoom out, and evaluate myself. While I’ve been a serial monogamist since I was about 19, I’ve always treasured the times when I was single because my mindset was: “Okay, Char–time to get your act together, learn from your mistakes, and revamp that fierce flawless feroshsness that you lost when you got caught up with that silly boy.”
And each time, the sheer awesomeness I exuded while being Miss Single and Fabulous ended up attracting new men who were even more right for me at the time.
It all comes from being introspective, taking a deep look at how you see yourself, and knowing what is best for you at the time. It’s not about placing blame on others (even though it’s easy to say that the other party was ALL WRONG and it’s THEIR FAULT and IF ONLY THEY DID THIS DIFFERENTLY…).
All my relationships have been different, but what was the common denominator? ME.
******
Couples who break up, spend time apart, realize they miss one another, and get back together often don’t work out because the actual reason WHY they broke up in the first place hadn’t been addressed and rectified. Unless of course, you had your entire consciousness cleansed of any memories of that person.
The tragic aspect to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the fact that Joel and Clementine basically erased themselves by erasing those memories. Everything that happens in our lives shapes and informs us as individuals. Without the experiences to grow from, one just continues to make the same decisions without learning or appreciating the obstacles which have been overcome–setting yourself up for further disappointment. It always takes two to tango, and with each relationship, your consciousness should evolve–you become more aware of what you do and do NOT want, and how you should and should NOT behave. The bottom line is to LEARN from each relationship and not make the same mistakes again.
The cycles continue. That’s life.
4 responses so far ↓
1 DurtyDee // Oct 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm
A-Freakin-MEN, Darlotte.
I particularly enjoy the introspective point you make.
It’s the hardest to come to terms with, yet more often than not the most important thing you can do for yourself.
2 CC // Oct 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I agree…mostly. I think that there are some relationships that there’s nothing to learn from because you are left in the dark. When the reason why it ended seems a mystery due to lack of communication, you search for answers that you can’t seem to find. And as I get older, I don’t date highly inappropriate people anymore, so the break-ups get more difficult.
It also seems that some people’s actions and words have a particular meaning that at any moment can be reversed for no apparent reason. This leads me to the conclusion that you can not rely on anything that people say or do and you have to be constantly questioning the meaning and motivation of everything. The most unfortunate part to this is that both yourself and the next person you date are punished because of the actions of others.
That’s life I suppose.
3 Charlotte Mutesha // Oct 14, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@CC — I understand and empathize with your counterpoints, but I still maintain that your viewpoint seems a bit more on the cynical side.
I may be young still, but I’ve been in a number of whirlwind relationships since the age of 18, and although plenty of the relationships seemed pointless and a waste of time and life, I can’t say that there wasn’t anything to learn from each of them. Especially in retrospect.
I feel like I learn so much from each of my FRIENDS, and when friends break up or lose touch, there is often a lesson to be learned there. I think this case applies moreso to romantic relationships because you become thismuchcloser to another individual, no matter the length of time you are together.
I’ve learned things from relationships that lasted two and a half months; I’ve learned things from friends with benefits relationships that have spanned the course of over five years. I just don’t think that you can be that close to someone without them making some sort of impact on you, as they were a part of your life’s experiences, and all of our experiences shape us, as I said above.
COMMUNICATION is the thing that ruins so many relationships, because of a lack of it, mixed signals, and as you said, people saying one thing and doing another. All the same, that can’t mean that one shouldn’t trust the next person who comes around just because they were burned by a previous one. That’s just unfair to the next person who comes around who could legitimately be a good person.
If I treated my current boyfriend a certain way because one guy was abusive, another was depressed and closed off, another had BPD, and another was a constant liar, that wouldn’t be fair to him. I say the more productive way to handle situations like that is to find the lesson, wipe the slate, and start anew.
Of course, it’s easy for me to say, especially when it’s been so long since I’ve experienced a breakup. All I can say is that it took time. Even though I “bounced back” in a day, it took a lot of time.
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