mizChartreuse!

We were all asked that in our youth, and I’ve answered that question a few different ways over the years (such as “an astronaut!” and “a singer!”). To be honest, the only reason I wanted to be a pop star when I was young was that so I could become famous and increase my chances of Zac Hanson learning about my girl group (called *NSpiration) so he would subsequently fall in love with and marry me.

However, the answer that dates furthest back is when I would respond, “an author!” And by author, I meant that I was inspired by people like Beverly Cleary, Laura Ingalls Wilder, the writers of the American Girl books, and the Sweet Valley and Babysitters’ Club series.

I was always a book nerd, and I always found that after reading something I particularly loved, I would start narrating my thoughts and it would give me further inclination to just WRITE.

And that’s what I did for fun as a child. I’d go over to my friends’ houses and we would sit at the computer, alternating every few paragraphs and composing intricate tales. At home, I’d take lines sheets of paper and write short stories, with an illustration at the bottom of each page. When we got a typewriter, again, I’d insert my lined paper and do the same. When I finally was able to write on a PC, I once wrote a novel that was well over 100 pages in a Microsoft Works document.

As a child, I read, and I wrote, and I illustrated. It’s WHAT I DID for fun. I knew I wanted to be an author as an adult. Essentially, throughout my life, writing is the only thing I have ever really cared about. I excelled in all creative writing and English classes; composing fantastic essays and final papers throughout high school and college were what raised my grades at the end of the semester (even when I rarely showed up to class).

I am a writer. I always have been.

So…why can it be so incredibly difficult as an adult? Why is it that we sometimes struggle to do the things that we care about the most?

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The other week, I was talking with Sean about how during childhood we would do such amazing wonderful creative things. Spending hours drawing, reading, writing designing…just letting our brains fart all over whatever medium we had at hand. Subsequently, we lamented the fact that much of that seemed lost in adulthood. Sean brought up an interesting point: as children, our lives revolved around being creative and spending time with ourselves without a care in the world. We were escaping our fighting parents; emoting our true thoughts and feelings about the world. Psychologists emphasize the importance of play in inter/intrapersonal development, and real-world play is slowly fading into the background of Wii consoles.

Today, kids who can’t sit still in boring math class are deemed as suffering from Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disorder. I think the children of this generation are afflicted with technology overload. I was talking tonight with my friend Selena at work about how childhood today is so different from our day, and she’s about a decade older than me!

Selena and I reminisced about playing Ghost in the Graveyard, Tag , and Miss Mary Mac handclaps. We discussed the semantics of putting your foot in a circle and having the King Caller reciting “Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish” and “Eenie meenie meinie moe,” and how you could easily skew the outcome of your last landing shoe by adding “My mother…[something something something].” And nobody contested, because it was the RULE.

Why do elementary school kids have cell phones? I didn’t get one until I was 17 or 18 and it only utilized prepaid minutes, and I didn’t even have outgoing text messaging. We’d play outside all day until we got hungry and came home for dinner, or dark fell, or I heard my mother bellowing my name from our rear balcony door out into the expanses of the apartment complex.

But kids today need cell phones so their parents can keep tabs.

Um. Please.

We need to stop drugging our “disordered” children who are simply accustomed to the inner workings of iPhones and chatrooms and video games, which are the bane of their existence. These technological advances are great for humankind, but I firmly believe it’s robbing our babies of being, well, babies, and playing outdoor games with their peers. Sure, I’m tainted and spend an obscene amount of time online each day, but at least I can say I came from the days when I actually RAN AROUND OUTSIDE and was really freakin’ skinny.

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Back to my original point, writing can be hard for me. Sometimes I’ll spit out five blogs in a week and produce valuable freelance content to my clients. Other times, I’ll feel completely devoid of anything interesting to say on this website, and lack the motivation to reach out to potential new clients. Writing is the only thing I truly care about, but at times, the thought of sitting down at the laptop can be incredibly debilitating and depressing. Then I’ll be on the phone with someone who tells me about a blog I wrote back in July that they really resonated with. Or someone will mention how great of a writer I am and how they can connect to something so deeply. And then I think, What the HELL is my problem?

Per Sean’s and my conversation mentioned above, he pointed out that as adults we tend to focus less on the creative aspects of our personality and worry more about our work and financial situations. Much of the energy we have to spare outside our career lives is devoted to relaxing and/or drinking.

And it’s silly. I work nights, and for the most part, I could spend more time making myself DO more of what I love rather than wasting time watching Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck bicker on The View. It just seems sad that at times, the creative part of my being has to be worked on, rather than me coming home from 6th grade and sitting in my closet and reading an entire novel in three hours.

But…is anything worth having not worth the fight?

One of my favorite authors Aliya S. King, who has another novel to be released in 2010, wrote about how we can’t just sit on our asses and wait for inspiration to smack us in the face and for a REALLY BRILLIANT writing piece to fall into our lap. Her advice: “Sit down at the computer (or notebook), stare at the blank screen, and WRITE SOMETHING, you imbecile.” (except not in those exact words.) It applies to anything we REALLY WANT to do, whether it be writing or building a new invention or working on expanding your business, or even just trying to make ourselves better people.

So yes, sometimes I struggle with writing. I wrestle with self-doubt on the daily. But at the end of the day, I know that it’s one of the main things that bring me satisfaction, so I must push myself.

“Time goes by so slowly…No time to hesitate…Those who run seem to have all the fun,” Madonna sang on her hit from however many years ago, called “Hung Up.”

Regardless of how confident I may feel about my abilities from day to day, I’m going to continue to fight myself in order to do what I love, and continue to make what I love lucrative.

Because we are the only ones standing in the way of what we want to do. Specifically for me, I know I’m the biggest hindrance to making the impact I want to make. Deep down inside, I’m a Fame Monster just like Lady Gaga talks about. I just need to stop being hung up on myself.

It’s beyond time to stop waiting and start DOING. I’m grown up, I already AM what I want to be, I just need to bring it back to the forefront of my existence, rather than letting it slip to the background.